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REESE  LIBRARY 


1    UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA. 


Class 


^*^^KE?wndard  ubrary  edition 


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^K. 


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IN  CHANCERY 


En  Original  fantastic  ComeD^  in  XTbree  Hcts 


BY 


ARTHUR  W.  PINERO 


Copyright,  1905,  by  Samuel  Fwench 


New  York 
SAMUEL  FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

26  WEST  22D  STREET 


London 
SAMUEL   FRENCH,   Ltd. 

26  Southampton  Strkkt, 
STRAND,  I^ONDON, 


REESE 


IN  CHANCERY. 


Produced  at  the  Lyceum  Theatre,  Edinburgh,  on  Sep- 
tember l^thy  1884,  and  afterivards  played  at  the  Gaiety 
Theatre,  London,  on  December  24^^,  1884,  vnth  the  follow- 
ing cast : — 

Cbaracters. 

Captain  Dionysius  McCafferty. 

(Formerly    in    the    Ballytara 

Militia,  now  propriefcor  of  the 

Railway      Hotel,      Steepleton 

Junction) Mr.  Alfred  Bishop. 

Dr.  Titus  (His  medical  attendant). Mr.  Laye. 

Montague  Joliffe Mr.  Edward  Terry. 

Mr.  HinxtviAN Mr.  John  Dallas. 

John  (Mrs.  Smith's  servant) Mr.  Lyndall. 

Mr.  Buzzard  (A  Butcher) Mr.  Guise. 

Mr.  Gawge  (A  Draper) Mr.  Sherrard. 

Mrs.  Smith Miss  Phyllis  Broughton. 

Mrs.  Marmaduke  Jackson Miss  Gladys  Homfrey. 

Patricia  McCafferty Miss  Maria  Jones. 

Amelia  Anne  Buzzard Miss  Oliver. 

Walker  (Mrs.  Smith's  servant)..  .Miss  Emma  Broughton. 
Kittles Miss  Clara  Jacks, 


IN  CHANCERY. 


ACT  I. 

DRAWING   A   LLANK. 

The  Parlour  of  the  Railway   Hotel  at   Steepleion 
Junction. 


ACT  11. 

Artificial    Memory. 

The  Best  Room  in  the  Hotel. 


ACT  III. 

HOME   SWEET   HOME. 

Sitting  room  at  Mrs.  MarmaduTce  JacTcsons,  Graves- 
end. 

Three  Sundays  elapse  hctween  Acts  i  and  ii. 

Act  ii  occurs  on  the  morning  and 

Act  III  on  the  Evening  of  the  same  day. 


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IN  CHANCERY. 


ACT  I. 

DRAWING  A  BLANK. 

Scene: — The  comfortable  'parlour  of  a  small  hotel. 
Up  stage  R.  door  leading  to  Bar.  Up  stage  L.  door 
with  passage  baching.  At  bach  large  window  or 
windows  loohing  on  to  a  country  prospect  with  a 
railway,  telegraph  wires,  etc.  Up  stage  at  bach 
two  small  tables  of  equal  size.  Round  table  R.  c. 
Three  chairs  round  table  l,  c,  two  chairs  placed 
as  in  plan.  Down  stage  L.  fire-place.  Above  fire- 
place, arm-chair,  below  fire-place,  an  ordinary  chair. 
Down  stage  R.  side-board  with  crochery,  plate,  etc., 
on  side-board  a  worh-bashet  with  needle-worh.  By 
side-board  a  chair  or  stool,  on  table  R.  c.  a  crib- 
bage  board  and  cards,  long  clay  pipes,  matches, 
and  a  newspaper,  on  table  l.  c.  pipes,  newspapers 
and  matches.  The  room  generally  furnished  with 
all  the  characteristics  of  an  Inn  Parlour,  stuffed 
birds,  fishing  rods  and  bashet,  a  gun  or  two,  sport- 
ing pictures,  etc. 

Short  lively  music  at  opening.  As  the  curtain  rises 
the  angry  voice  of  McCafferty,  accompanied  by 
A  small  crash  of  brohen  crochery,  is  heard  in  the 
distance  off  L.  Patricia  enters  door  r.  listening. 
Patricia  is  a  buxom,  brawny  Irish  woman — neatly 
dressed,  but  with  a  wild  head  of  red  hair. 

Pat.     My  pa's  in  a  queer  temper  by  the  soimd  of 
5 


6  IN  CHANCERY. 

it.  (she  crosses  to  door  L.  and  listens,  McCafferty's 
voice  rises  higher)  There  now,  he's  arguing  them 
politics  with  poor  Mr.  Jolliffe.  (looking  towards  door 
R.)  Thank  goodness,  here's  the  gentlemen  arriving. 
(goes  L.) 

(Mr.  Gawge  enters  door  r.,  he  is  a  thin  man,  almost 
entirely  hald,  with  a  treble  voice.) 

Mr.  G.  (politely)  Good  evening,  Miss  McCaf- 
ferty.  (rubbing  his  hands  heartily)  Any  news,  eh? 
Any  news? 

Pat.  (l.  c.)  Good  evening  to  ye,  Mr.  Gawge, 
there's  nothing  stirring. 

Mr.  G.    How's  Captain  McCafferty  to-night  ? 

(There  is  another  crash  off  l.,  Mr.  Gawge's  manner 
changes  to  extreme  timidity.) 

Pat.  (jerhing  her  head  towards  l.)  I  think  he's 
just  having  a  chat  with  Mr.  Joliffe,  the  gintleman 
stopping  in  the  Hotel. 

Mr.  G.  Oh !  (Mr.  Gawge  goes  up  to  table  l.  c. 
very  quietly  and  nervously  and  sits  behind  the  table.) 
Ahum,  yes.     I'll  take  my  usual.  Miss  McCafferty. 

(Patricia  crosses  to  r.  g.,  as  Mr.  Buzzard  enters 
door  R.  Mr.  Buzzard  is  a  fat,  red-faced  man  with 
bushy  hair  and  gruff  voice,  the  reverse  of  Mr. 
Gawge.) 

Mr.  B.  (jovially)  Good  evening.  Miss  McCaf- 
ferty, good  evening,  Mr.  Gawge. 

Pat.  and  Mr.  G.     Good  evening,  Mr.  Buzzard. 

Mr.  B.     Any  news,  eh?    Any  news? 

Pat.     I  believe  not,  sir. 

Mr.  B.     And  how  is  your  poor  papa  to-night  ? 

(Another  distinct  crash,  Mr.  Buzzard's  face  changes, 
he  stands  rooted  to  the  spot.) 

Pat.  (with  a  movement  as  before)  He's  just 
havin'  a  little  bit  of  a  chat  with  Mr.  Joliffe,  the  gin- 
tleman stopping  in  the  Hotel, 


IN  CHANCERY.  7 

Mr.  B.  (nervously)  Oh!  I  think  I'll  take  my 
usual.  Miss  McCafferty. 

(Pat.  goes  out  door  n.,  Mr.  Buzzard  tiptoes  up  to 
the  table  R.  c.^  and  sits  heliind  it.  He  and  Mr. 
Gawge  load  their  long  pipes  gloomily.) 

Mr.  G.  Captain  seems  a  little  wus  than  ordinary 
to-night,  Mr.  Buzzard,  sir. 

Mr.  B.  He  do.  He  do.  Time  Dr.  Titus  was  here 
to  keep  him  under. 

Mr.  G.  {looking  towards  door)  Here  is  the  Doc- 
tor. 

(Dr.  Titus  enters  door  r.,  he  is  a  middle-aged  pro- 
prof  essional-loohing  person,  with  iron  grey  hair  and 
whiskers.     His  attire  is  rather  inclined  to  seedi' 
ness,  his  manner  pompous  and  homhastic.) 
Titus.    Good  evening,  gentlemen !    (crosses  L.  and 

pwts  hat  on  mantel-piece) 

Mr.  G.  and  Mr.  B.  Good  evening,  Doctor — ^good 
evening. 

Titus,  (bustling  over  to  arm-chair)  How  is  Cap- 
tain McCaSerty  to-night? 

(McCafferty's  voice  heard  outside.) 

Mr.  G.     (under  his  breath)     He's  upstairs. 
Mr.  B.     (under  his  breath)     With  Mr.  JoliSe. 
Mr.  G.     The  gentleman  staying  in  the  hotel. 
Mr.  G.  and  Mr.  B.     (together)    Having  a  little 
bit  of  a  chat. 

Titus.     Oh,  quite  so,  quite  so. 

(Pat.  enters  door  r.,  carrying  tray  with  glasses,  etc. 
She  gives  Mr.  Gawge  and  Mr.  Buzzard  their 
drinks.) 

Titus.  You're  single-handed  to-night.  Miss  Mc- 
Cafferty,  where's  the  waiter? 

Pat.     He  contradicted  papa  this  afternoon. 
Mr.  G.  and  Mr.  B.     (together)     Oh! 


8  IN  CHANCERY. 

Pat.    So  papa  dismissed  him  through  the  window. 

Mr.  G.  and  Mr.  B.     (together)     Ah! 

Pat.  I'm  so  glad  you've  come,  Doctor,  and  is  it 
whiskey  you'll  take  ? 

Titus,     (politely)    It  is  whiskey. 

Pat.     Irish? 

Titus.  Any  whiskey  would  become  Irish  when 
dispensed  by  your  fair  hands. 

Pat.  Go  on  now.  (goes  out  door  r.,  Mr.  Gawge 
and  Mr.  Buzzard  light  their  pipes) 

Mr.  G.  This  excitement  is  very  bad  for  the  Cap- 
tain, ain't  it,  Doctor  ? 

Titus.     Very,  very. 

Mr.  B.  You  might  tell  us  how  Captain  McCaf- 
ferty's  ailment  came  about,  Doctor — if  it's  no  secret. 

Titus  (standing  on  hearth-rug  l.  c.)  Certainly. 
My  friend,  I  may  say  our  friend — our  host  of  the 
Eailway  Hotel  at  Steepleton  was  formerly  a  Captain 
in  the  distinguished  Ballytara  Militia.  One  of  his 
brother  officers,  who  was  also  a  cheesemonger,  thought 
it  wise  upon  one  occasion  to  wink  at  Mrs.  McCafferty, 
the  Captain's  wife,  now,  alas,  beyond  the  reach  of  all 
such  advances. 

Mr.  G.     Dear  me ! 

Mr.  B.    Indeed ! 

Titus.  Captain  McCafferty  always,  shall  I  say, 
a  hasty  man,  dragged  the  offender  to  Belgium,  where 
they  fought  a  duel  with  pistols. 

Mb.  G.  and  Mr.  B.     (together)     Good  gracious! 

Titus.  I  was  the  medical  man  concerned.  In  the 
result  the  Captain  spoilt  his  opponent's  new  hat, 
while  the  cheesemonger  contrived  to  lodge  a  bullet  in 
the  Captain's  body. 

Mr.  G.    Mercy  me ! 

Mr.  B.    Well  I  never ! 

Titus.  Now,  gentlemen,  the  whereabouts  of  thai 
bullet  has  never  been  discovered.  If  it  is  still  in 
Captain  McCafferty's  body,  I  say  if  that  bullet  is  still 
in  Captain  McCafferty's  body,  the  slightest  excite- 


IN  CHANCERY.  9 

ment  such  as  would  be  produced  by  thwarting  a  fond 
wish  or  upsetting  a  cherished  project,  the  slightest 
excitement  might  produce  the  most  alarming  results. 
Gentlemen,  it  is  a  most  interesting  case. 

(Mr.  Gawge  and  Mr.  Buzzard  wipe  their  foreheads 
nervously.) 

Mr.  B.  Most  interesting,  most  interesting.  Then 
you  remain  in  Steepleton,  Doctor,  expressly  to  look 
after  the  Captain  ? 

Titus.  Ahem!  Captain  McCafferty  is  good 
enough  to  appoint  me  his  medical  attendant. 

Mr.  B.     You're  watching  for  the  bullet,  eh? 

Titus.     I  am  watching  for  the  bullet. 

Mr.  G.  Then  if  the  bullet  is  ever  discovered, 
you'll  lose  a  very  comfortable  post,  eh.  Doctor?  (gets 
up  and  takes  light  from  table  R.  c.) 

Titus,     {drawing  himself  up)     Mr.  Gawge! 

Mr.  G.     I  beg  your  pardon.  Doctor,  no  offence. 

(Mr.  G.  and  Mr  B.  talh  together,  D-R.  Titus  turns 
from  them  and  slyly  produces  a  pocket-booh  from 
which  he  takes  out  a  small  leaden  bullet.) 

Titus,  (aside,  weighing  the  bullet  in  his  hand) 
But  the  bullet  isn't  likely  to  be  discovered  while  it 
is  in  Bob  Titus's  pocket-book.  (He  returns  bullet  to 
the  pocket-book,  and  pocket-book  to  his  pocket 
Aside)     Ahem !  It  is  a  most  interesting  case. 

(Pat.   enters  door  b..,   carrying   tumbler  of  drink, 
which  she  gives  to  Titus.) 

Pat.     Here  ye  are.  Doctor. 
(Another  distant  crash  is  heard  with  McCafferty's 
voice  above  it.) 

Pat.  Keep  your  eyes  on  pa,  Doctor,  if  he  loses 
his  temper  he's  done  entirely. 

McC.  (outside)  What  do  you  mean,  Mr.  Joliffe, 
sor,  by  regarding  me  in  that  manner  with  your  eye, 
your  wearing  an  impertinent  look,  sor. 


10  IN  CHANCERY. 

Pat.     He's  coming. 

(There  is  a  general  movement,  the  two  men  at  the 
table  lury  their  heads  in  their  -papers.  Titus 
sits  in  chair  helow  fire-place  L.  Pat.  runs  to  R.  c. 
and  sits,  taking  needlework  from  basket  on  side- 
hoard.  Captain  Dionysius  McCafferty  with  his 
hands  in  his  pockets  rushes  in  from  door  l.  He 
is  a  fat,  untidily-dressed,  old  man,  with  fiery  face, 
red  whiskers  and  hu^hy  hair.  His  eyes  are  bolting 
from  their  sockets,  and  he  is  trembling  with  pas- 
sion.  Fie  looks  round  fiercely  as  if  seeking  some 
excuse  for  an  outburst,  finding  none  he  sinks  into 
chair  c.) 

McC.     I  wish  a  very  good  evening  to  all  of  ye. 
Mr.  G.     (in  a  small  voice  over  his  paper)     Good 
evening,  Capt.  McCafferty. 

(McCafferty  turns  upon  him  suddenly,  Mr.  Gawge 
disappears  behind  his  newspaper.) 
Mr.  B.     (over  his  paper)     Delighted  to  see  you, 
Captain. 

(McCafferty  glares  at  him,  he  disappears  like  Mr. 
Gawge.) 

McC.  (to  Pat.)  What  are  you  doin',  Pat,  my 
darlin'  ? 

Pat.  Mendin'  the  white  waistcoat  ye  tore  up 
when  you  were  a  little  put  out  last  night. 

Titus.  You've  been  agitating  yourself  again, 
Captain  McCafferty. 

McC.     No.  I've  not,  Mr.  Joliffe  agitated  me. 

Titus.     Dear  me,  how? 

McC.     He  contradicted  my  assertion. 

Pat.  Oh,  I'm  sure  you're  mistaken,  papa;  what 
did  Mr.  Joliffe  say? 

McC.  He  didn't  say  anything — he  regarded  me 
in  a  contradictory  manner  wid  his  eye,     {goes  to  her 


IN  CHANCERY.  H 

Titus,  (moving)  I'll  speak  to  Mr.  Jolifle,  he'll 
explain  everything  satisfactorily,  I'll  be  bound. 
(goes  to  door,  opens  it  and  calls)  Mr.  Joliffe !  Mr. 
JoMe! 

JoL.     (in  distance)     Yes? 

Titus.  Step  down  and  join  us  in  the  parlour,  will 
you? 

JoL.     (as  before)     Oh  yes,  certainly. 

(Titus  returns  to  his  seat  hefore  fire  l.  as  Montague 
Joliffe  enters.  He  is  a  fair-haired  individual, 
with  a  pale,  anxious  face,  roving  eyes  and  a  large 
expanse  of  forehead.) 

JoL.  (as  he  enters)  Delighted  to  make  one, 
delighted  to  make  one. 

Mr.  G.  and  Mr.  B.     Good  evening! 

Titus.  Captain  McCaflerty  is  under  the  mistaken 
impression,  Mr.  Joliffe,  that  you  contradicted  some 
assertion  he  made. 

Pat.  (appealingly)  Ah,  now  I'm  sure  Mr.  Jol- 
iffe didn't,  did  ye,  Mr.  Joliffe? 

JoL.     (shakes  his  head)     No  ! 

McC.     He  contradicted  me  with  a  look  of  his  eye. 

JoL.  Quite  a  mistake,  quite  a  mistake;  Captain 
McCafferty  expressed  his  conviction  that  Steepleton, 
which  at  present  boasts  98  inhabitants,  an  hotel,  and 
a  Eailway  Station,  would  in  a  short  space  of  time 
become  the  centre  of  British  commerce,  with  a  Mayor, 
a  town  council  and  a  Bishopric.  In  reply,  I  merely 
said.  Oh ! 

McC.  (rising)  But  you  looked  dubious,  sor, 
knowing  the  precarious  state  of  my  health,  you 
looked  dubious. 

JoL.  I  assure  you  Captain  McCafferty,  I  didn't 
mean  to. 

McC.  Very  well  then,  I  accept  your  apology,  say- 
no  more. 

JoL.    But  I  assure — 


12  IN  CHANCERY. 

McC.     Say  no  more. 

JoL.     No,  I  can  assure  you — 

McC.  (fiercely)  Say  no  more — {turning  to 
Gawge  and  Buzzard)  Gintlemen,  we'll  play  with 
the  cards — 

Mr.  B.  Well,  Captain  McCafferty,  if  I  might  sug- 
gest— 

McC.  Keep  silent,  sor,  when  I  make  a  proposal. 
{turning  to  Gawge)     We'll  play  three  handed  crib. 

(Mr.  Gawge  moves  timidly  to  chair  at  hack  of  table 
R.  c.  Mr.  B.  to  right  of  same  table,  they  sit  play^ 
ing  at  table  r.  c.  Pat.  sits  doing  her  needlework 
and  watching  them  R.  Joliffe  sinks  into  chair 
L.  c.  facing  Titus.) 

JoL.     What  a  dreadful  person. 

Titus,  {drawing  nearer  to  Jol.)  Mr.  Joliffe, 
you'll  pardon  my  freedom,  I  hope,  but  will  you  allow 
me  to  put  to  you  one  little  question  ? 

Jol.     Certainly,  what  is  it  ? 

TlTUS.  Now  that  you  are  completely  recovered 
from  your  unfortunate  railway  accident,  why  do 
you  remain  in  this  wretched  little  town,  in  this 
equally  wretched  little  inn,  under  the  tyrannic  rule 
of  that  despotic  old  ruffian? 

Jol.     Why?    Ah! 

Titus.  With  a  poor  devil  of  a  doctor  without  a 
practice  it's  different.  I'm  chained  to  Steepleton  in 
attendance  on  old  McCafferty.  But  you,  you're  a 
free  man.    Why  not  be  up  and  away? 

(Joliffe  draws  himself  up  and  takes  Titus  by  the 
sleeve  and  looks  round  mysteriously.) 

Jol.     {in  a  whisper)    Up  and  away,  where  to  ? 

Titus.     To  your  relatives. 

Jol.     Where  are  they? 

Titus.     Well  then,  to  your  friends. 

Jol.     Where  are  they? 


IN  CHANCERY.  13 

^LiTUS.  Oh  dear,  oh  dear!  Well  then,  to  the 
town  where  you  reside. 

JoL.     What  town? 

Titus,  (getting  irritated)  Confound  it,  man, 
why  don't  you  return  to  the  place  you  came  from  ? 

JoL.     Where's  that? 

Titus,  (loudly)  Why  you  never  mean  to  say 
you  don't  know. 

JoL.  Hush — sh — sh — sh!  (heckons  to  Titus  to 
come  nearer.)     Can  I  trust  you,  I  wonder? 

Titus.     That  depends — are  you  a  tailor? 

JoL.  I  don't  know,  I  mean  will  you  keep  my 
secret?    A  most  awful,  harrowing  secret. 

Titus.     My  dear  sir,  I'm  a  doctor,  of  course  I  will. 

JoL.     Your  word  of  honour? 

Titus.     My  word  of  honour ! 

JoL.     I've  been  longing  for  a  confidant,  sit  down. 
(They  sit  close  together  l.  c.) 

McC.  (playing  up  stage,  violently)  What  d'ye 
mean,  sor?    What  d'ye  mean? 

Mr.  B.     Well,  Captain,  I  was  thinking — 

McC.     To  the  devil  with  your  thinking. 

Pat.     Papa !  papa !    Keep  calm ! 

Titus.  Gentlemen,  gentlemen,  don't  agitate  the 
Captain. 

ilcC.  He  corrected  my  countin',  knowing  the  pre- 
carious state  of  my  health,  too,  wid  a  bullet  in  me,  he 
corrected  my  countin'. 

Mr.  B.     Well,  well,  I  apologize. 

Mr.  G.     So  do  I. 

McC.  Go  on  wid  the  amusement  then,  ye  couple 
of  blundering  ignoramuses. 

(They  resume  playing.) 

JoL.  What  a  dreadful  person — what  a  dreadful 
person. 

Titus.     Now,  Mr.  Joiiffe,  I'm  your  servant. 

(Soft  music  in  orchestra.) 


14  IN  CHANCERY. 

JoL.  (solemnly)  Dr.  Titus,  you  remember  my 
being  brought  to  the  Eailway  Inn  at  Steepleton,  don't 
you? 

Titus.     Of  course  I  do,  six  weeks  ago. 

JoL.  Six  weeks  at  Steepleton  Junction,  {turning 
and  'pointing)  You  can  see  the  exact  spot  from  that 
window.  Two  passenger  trains  came  into  violent  col- 
lision. Nothing  resulted  but  a  few  scratches  and 
bruises  and  everybody  was  able  after  a  trifling  delay, 
to  resume  their  journey,  everybody  with  one  impor- 
tant exception. 

Titus.     Y'ourself. 

JoL.  (myself.)  I  was  carefully  deposited  in  the 
best  bedroom  of  the  Eailway  Hotel,  where,  owing  to 
the  assiduous  nursing  of  that  kind  creature  there, 
(pointing  to  Pat.)  and  the  unremitting  attention  of 
Dr.  Titus,  (taking  Titus's  hand)  in  three  weeks  I 
was  on  my  legs  again. 

Titus.     As  strong  as  a  horse. 

JoL.  Strong  as  a  tandem,  never  was  better,  at 
least  I  don't  think  I  ever  was  better,  but  Dr.  Titus, 
I  don't  remember. 

Titus.     Don't  remember? 

JoL.  JSTo,  I'm  vigorous  and  hearty,  can  eat,  drink 
and  sleep,  I'm  well  educated,  can  speak  French, 
jabber  a  little  German,  know  a  phrase  or  two  of 
Italian,  and  have  a  fair  knowledge  of  music,  but. 
Dr.  Titus,  ever  since  that  little  smash  up  at  Steeple- 
ton  Junction,  I  haven't  the  least  idea  who  the  devil 
I  am,  whence  I  came,  or  where  I'm  going. 

Titus.     Good  gracious,  what's  wrong? 

(Music  stops.) 

JoL.  My  memory !  My  mind's  a  perfect  blank 
as  to  the  past,  every  incident  of,  I  hope,  my  distin- 
guished career  previous  to  that  railway  accident  has 
entirely  left  me. 

Titus.     But  you  know  your  name. 

JoL.     (producing  card-case)     Yes,  but  only  thro' 


IN  CHANCERY.  15 

finding  my  card-case  in  my  overcoat  pocket,  {hand- 
ing card  to  Titus.) 

JoL.  Here  it  is,  Montague  Joliffe,  no  address. 
M.  J.,  ISTo.  36  was  marked  on  my  collars,  which  leads 
me  to  hope  I  am  a  gentleman. 

Titus.     Why  ? 

JoL.  Well,  nobody  but  a  gentleman  w<>uld  have 
36  white  three-fold  linen  masher  collars. 

Titus.  Well,  this  is  another  most  interesting 
case  !    Have  you  searched  all  the  directories  ? 

JoL.     (with  a  looh  of  horror)    No ! 

Titus.     Why  not  ? 

JoL.     Fm  afraid  to. 

Titus.     Nonsense!     Do  it  at  once,     {rises) 

JoL.  No,  no,  no !  I  might  turn  out  to  be  a  party 
I  don't  like.  I  might  have  to  follow  a  trade  or  pro- 
fession I  detest,  or  what  is  more  awful,  I  might  dis- 
cover my  profession  without  remembering  how  to 
practice  it.  I  might  find  myself  a  colonel,  who  has 
forgotten  his  drill,  a  captain  in  the  navy  who  knows 
nothing  but  how  to  be  sea-sick,  or  a  doctor  who 
cannot  remember  the  pharmacopoeia.  In  short,  I 
may  be  a  soldier,  sailor,  apothecary,  ploughboy  or 
a  thief. 

Titus.     Ah,  but  on  the  other  hand ! 

JoL.  On  the  other  hand,  I  may  be  the  hero  of 
the  hour,  the  author  of  the  latest  craze  in  books,  the 
new  drawing-room  tenor,  or  the  fashionable  trage- 
dian. I  may  be  an  M.  P.,  one  of  the  Cabinet,  or 
perhaps  a  member  of  the  County  Court.  It's  this 
that  buoys  me  up.  But  Dr.  Titus,  I  shan't  be  able 
to  stand  the  uncertainty  much  longer.  Give  me  your 
opinion,  {he  rises  and  puts  himself  in  studied  posi' 
Hon)     Now,  what  do  you  think  I  am? 

Titus,  {sitting,  leaning  hack  and  surveying  him) 
A  very  lucky  fellow. 

JoL.     Lucky  ? 

Titus.     Certainly,  w^hy,  it's  as  much  as  I  can  do 


le  IN  CHANCERY. 

to  forget  a  few  tradesmen's  bills.  You  want  my 
advice  ? 

JoL.    Yes. 

Titus.  Take  it  easy;  accept  your  position.  You'll 
never  have  so  little  anxiety  as  you  have  at  the  present 
moment.    How  old  are  you? 

JoL.  Don't  know.  What  do  you  think?  (anx- 
iously)    Think  I'm  a  chicken? 

Titus.  Well,  you're  in  the  prime  of  life,  with 
no  conscience  to  prick  you  on  the  score  of  past 
misdeeds,  enjoy  yourself,  make  merry,  until  your 
recollections  return,   (rises,  hus.  chair) 

JoL.     Oh,  they  will  return  then? 

Titus.  Of  course  they  will,  all  of  a  sudden,  your 
case  is  no  rarer  in  the  annals  of  medicine  than  it  is 
in  fiction.  When  those  two  railway  engines  came 
together  you  experienced  a  shock? 

JoL.     I  did. 

Titus.    That's  the  cause. 

(Music  as  before.) 

One  day  without  a  moment's  warning,  like  the  burst- 
ing of  a  soap  bubble  in  a  man's  ear,  your  memory 
will  come  back  to  you.  The  sight  of  somebody's  ugly 
face,  the  sound  of  a  familiar  voice,  the  melody  of  a 
miserable  comic  song,  or  the  air  of  a  waltz  from  a 
discordant  organ,  and  the  rusty  gates  of  the  past  will 
be  opened.  Like  a  flash  of  lightning  you  will  regain 
the  consciousness  of  cares  and  responsibilities,  arrears 
of  income-tax  unpaid,  and  all  the  evils  of  a  well- 
spent  life.  Be  warned,  don't  seek  to  hasten  matters, 
and  in  the  meantime  be  happy. 

(Music  ceases.) 

JoL.  Happy,  when  I'm  thrown  a  foundling  on 
the  mercy  of  that  violent  old  Captain  McCafferty. 
Dr.  Titus,  he's  a  demon. 

Titus.  Well,  he  is  a  beast,  but  he's  taken  a  fancy 
to  you. 


IN  CHANCERY.  17 

JoL.     But  IVe  no  money. 

Titus.     Don't  ask  for  his  bill. 

JoL.     But  suppose  he  does. 

Titus.     Then  fly  to  her. 

JoL.     Her  ? 

Titus.  My  good  sir!  You're  blind!  Haven't 
you  discovered? 

JoL.     What? 

Titus.  Miss  McCafferty,  Patricia,  your  devoted 
nurse,  she's  lost  her  heart  to  you. 

JoL.     You  don't  say  so? 

Titus.  I  do.  You  lucky  devil.  No  past,  and  a 
nice  comfortable  snug  future.    How  I  envy  you. 

McC.     I  tell  ye  I've  not  lost  the  game. 

Mr.  G.     Well,  but  Captain  McCafferty— 

McC.  Then  some  of  ye  have  been  putting  my 
pegs  back. 

Mr.  G.  and  Mr.  B.     No,  Captain,  no — 

McC.  Putting  my  pegs  back,  and  me  in  a  deli- 
cate state  of  health. 

Titus,  {joining  group  at  hack)  Gentlemen, 
gentlemen,  don't  agitate  the  Captain. 

( JoLiFFE  has  seated  himself  in  arm-chair  L.  c.    Pat. 
crosses  from  a.,  and  stands  tehind  his  chair.) 

Pat.  How  fine  you're  begining  to  look,  Mr.  JoliSe 
dear. 

JoL.     Am  I,  Miss  McCafferty  ? 

Pat.  Have  done  wid  the  Miss  McCafferty.  My 
x.ame's  Patricia  and  Pat's  the  short  for  it.  Sure,  I 
haven't  fed  ye  on  good  calf's  foot  jelly,  you  at  one 
end  of  the  spoon  and  me  at  the  other,  to  be  called 
Miss  McCafferty,  now  that  you  can  feed  without  me. 

JoL.  Titus  was  right,  (to  Pat.)  I'm  very  much 
obliged.  Miss  McCaff Patricia. 

Pat.  (smoothing  his  hair)  I  combed  your  hair 
in  the  middle  when  I  had  the  dressing  of  it,  and 
pretty  you  looked.  I  suppose  I  shall  never  have 
the  combin'  of  it  again,  at  all,  at  all.  {sits  k.) 


18  IN  CHANCERY. 

JoL.     (aside)     I   should  think  Titus  was  right. 

Titus,  (going)  Gentlemen,  who  will  join  in  a 
game  of  pyramids  upstairs? 

Mr.  G.     I  will 

Mr.  B.     So  will  I. 

Titus.     Captain. 

McC.  No,  I've  got  a  little  private  affair  to  talk 
over  with  Mr.  Joliffe. 

(Titus,  Gawge  and  Buzzard  go  off  door  l.    Joliffe 
rises  and  is  about  to  sneak  away  quietly.) 

JoL.     (going  L.)     I  think  I'll  make  one.  Doctor, 
I  think  I'll  make  one. 
(McCafferty  takes  his  arm  and  brings  him  back.) 

McC.  Didn't  ye  hear  me  say  I'd  got  a  little  busi- 
ness wid  ye  ? 

JoL.  Beg  pardon,  beg  pardon,  business  is  a  pleas- 
ure. 

McC.     (sharply)     Eh ! 

JoL.     I  say  business  is  a  pleasure. 

McC.     (pointing  to  chair)     Sit  down  then. 

(Joliffe  sits  nervously.) 

McC.  Patricia,  my  darlin',  retire  to  the  bar  till 
I  call  ye. 

(Pat.  rises  and  crosses  to  R.  McCafferty  detains 
her  and  embraces  her,  wiping  his  eyes  with  emo- 
tion.) 

McC.  Ah,  my  little  girl,  is  the  time  comin'  when 
I've  to  share  ye  wid  another  man?    Go,  darlin'. 

(Pat.  goes  out  door  r.) 

JoL.  (aside)  I've  a  presentiment  something 
dreadful  is  going  to  happen. 

McC.  (turning  to  Jol.)  Mr.  Montague  Joliffe, 
sor!  You've  been  wid  us,  an  occupant  of  the  best 
bed-room  at  this  Hotel,  six  weeks  come  yesterday. 
You  were  brought  here  flat  on  the  broad  of  your 


IN  CHANCERY.  19 

back,  bruised  and  battered.  You've  been  nursed  by 
my  own  daughter  and  physicked  by  my  own  doctor, 
and  have  enjoyed  all  the  advantages  of  my  own 
personal  society. 

JoL.  I^m  sure  I  can  never  express  my  deep 
sense — 

McC.  Don't  try,  sor,  when  I'm  in  the  middle  of 
speaking — kindness  is  my  disposition. 

{He  goes  to  side-hoard,  is  watched  anxiously  hy  JoL., 
and  from  a  drawer  takes  out  a  number  of  long 
sheets  of  paper  closely  written  upon,  and  fastened 
together  in  one  corner.) 

McC.  On  paper,  sor,  in  plain  pounds,  shillings 
and  pence,  your  visit  to  this  establishment  takes  that 
figure,  {handing  paper  to  Joliffe)  Mr.  Joliffe, 
your  bill,  sor. 

(Joliffe  tahes  hill  with  a  look  of  horror.  McCaf- 
FERTY  goes  up  to  table  R.  c.^  and  puts  cards  etc., 
in  drawer.) 

JoL.  (aside,  weakly)  I  was  right,  I  was  right. 
Something  dreadful  has  happened,  (turning  over 
the  sheets  one  hy  one)  First  week.  Oh!  Second 
week — gracious !  Third  week — goodness  !  Fourth 
week,  nourishing  food,  oh,  Christopher !  Fifth  week, 
wine,  oh,  Columbus!  Sixth  week,  delicacies  out  of 
season — Ah!  eh!  ah!     (he  collapses.) 

McC.  (standing  over  him)  What  the  devil's  the 
meaning  of  the  zoological  sounds  you're  emitting, 
sor?  Are  you  delighted  with  the  moderation  of 
your  little  account,  or  are  ye  not  ? 

JoL.  (recovering)  Oh,  delighted,  delighted 
Captain  McCafferty  !  Are  you  quite  sure  nothing  has 
been  left  out?  (turning  over  leaves)  Where's  the 
penny-worth  of  periwinkles  I  had  for  tea  yesterday? 

(McCafferty    snatches    the    hill    from    him,    and 
examines  it  violently.) 


20  IN  CHANCERY. 

McC.  How  dare  you  give  me  a  turn,  and  me  in 
a  delicate  state  of  health,  (returning  hill,  and  point- 
ing out  an  item)     There  it  is  before  you. 

JoL.  Oh !  of  course.  (reading)  Periwinkles 
half-a-crown.  Thank  you,  you  haven't  charged  for 
the  pin. 

McC.     No,  sor. 

(JoLiFFE  tries  unsuccessfully  to  cram  the  account 
into  his  pocTcet.) 

JoL.  (holding  them  out  to  McCafferty)  There 
isn't  a  lift  in  the  Hotel  to  take  them  up  to  my  floor, 
is  there? 

McC.  ISTo,  sor.  Stop,  I  ought  to  tell  you  we  take 
off  2J  per  cent,  to  commercial  travellers.  Are  you  a 
commercial  traveller? 

JoL.     (rising  aghast)     Am  I  a — what? 

McC.     A  commercial  traveller ! 

JoL.     Ah  !    No— 0—0 !    I  don't  think  so. 

McC.     You  don't  think  so ! 

JoL.  I  mean  I  don't  remember  being  a  commer- 
cial traveller. 

McC.    You  don't  remember ! 

JoL.  Just  so,  just  so,  of  course  if  a  man  is  a 
commercial  traveller,  the  chances  are  ten  to  one  he 
knows  it,  aren't  they? 

McC.     (violently)     Why  certainly,  sor! 

JoL.  (calming  him)  Just  so,  just  so,  that's  what 
I  want  to  get  at.  No,  don't  think  of  taking  off  2^ 
per  cent. 

McC.  Then,  Mr.  Joliffe,  if  you're  not  a  commer- 
cial traveller,  what  the  devil  are  you? 

JoL.     (his  jaw  dropping)    Eh,  what  am  I? 

McC.     What  are  ye? 

JoL.  What — ^hold  this  for  a  moment,  will  you? 
It's  rather  heavy. 

(Joliffe,  who  has  been  nursing  the  bundle  of  papers 
like  a  hahy,  deposits  it  in  the  Captain's  arms,\ 


IN  CHANCERY.  21 

JoL.  (wiping  Ms  Irow)  Yes,  of  course,  what  am 
I? 

McC.     Yes,  sor,  what  are  you? 

JoL.     What  am  I  ? 

McC.     Yes,  sir,  what  are  you? 

JoL.     Oh,  I'm  a — I'm  a  gentleman. 

McC.  A  gintleman,  well,  I'm  glad  of  that. 
(shaking  Joliffe^s  hand)  There's  two  of  us.  Now 
we  shall  get  at  what  I'm  driving  at.  You  come  of 
a  good  family,  I  take  it? 

JoL.     Oh,  yes.    The,  the,  the  Joliffes ! 

McC.     Oh,  the  Joliffes ! 

JoL.     Yes,  the  old  Joliffes — the  good  old  JolijBEes. 

McC.     London  boys? 

JoL.  Well,  they're  spread  about,  they're  spread 
about,  some  here  and  some  there. 

McC.     Are  they  rich? 

JoL.  jSTo,  that's  the  devil  of  it.  (putting  hands 
into  pockets)  All  the  Jolliffe  I  know  is  a  pauper — 
I  mean  all  the  Joliffes  I  know  are  paupers.  Fine, 
well-made,  strajDping  fellows,  but  no  money,  no 
money. 

McC.     And  you? 

JoL.     Oh,  I'm  a  regular  Joliffe. 

McC.  {returning  the  bundle  of  papers  quickly) 
Take  your  bill.  Now,  sor,  I've  a  communication 
to  make  to  ye.    Be  seated. 

(They  sit.    Joliffe  l.  c.    McCaffeety  brings  chair 

0.) 

JoL.     (aside)     Something  else  is  going  to  happen. 

McC.  Mr.  Montague  Joliffe,  you  may  have  heard, 
sor,  that  I'm  a  man  in  a  precarious  state  of  health, 
wid  a  bullet  in  me  somewhere  or  other,  and  where  it 
is  the  devil  only  knows,  for  the  doctor  does  not. 

JoL.     Yes,  I've  heard  that  once  or  twice  before. 

McC.  Ye  may  have  heard  also  that  the  slightest 
agitation  or  excitement  may  make  an  angel  of  me. 


22  IN  CHANCERY. 

JoL.  (duUously)  Well,  I'm  not  prepared  £o 
pledge— 

McC.  (violently)  None  of  your  dirty  dubious 
looks,  sor !    Yes  or  no  ? 

JoL.     Yes.       {quicMy.) 

McC.  Very  well,  then.  NTow,  sor,  I'm  desirous 
of  settling  the  future  of  this  wonderful  property,  the 
Bteepleton  Eailway  Hotel,  by  way  of  selecting  a 
gintleman  to  succeed  the  present  proprietor  now 
before  ye,  and,  sor  after  looking  on  all  sides  of  me, 
my  choice  has  fallen  upon  you. 

JoL.     But,  Captain  McCafferty,  I've  no  capital. 

McC.     Stop,  I'm  comin'  to  that. 

JoL.     Are  you  ?    I'm  glad  of  that. 

McC.  I  don't  deny  that  I  should  have  preferred 
ye  wid  capital,  but  as  you're  a  pauper,  I  must  take  ye 
as  ye  are. 

JoL.  (attempting  to  rise)  But,  Captain  McCaf- 
ferty— 

McC.  (pushing  Jiim  hack)  Sit  down,  Mr.  Joliife, 
sor.  You  may  have  observed  that  my  little  girl  has 
taken  a  strong  liking  for  ye. 

JoL.     Y'our — little  girl ! 

McC.     My  daughter,  Patricia. 

JoL.     Eeally,  Captain,  I  don't  think — (rising.) 

McC.  (violently)  Don't  contradict  me,  sor, 
when  you  know  the  doctor  forbids  it !  I  say,  sor, 
that  my  little  girl  is  pining  for  ye !  Why,  sor,  she's 
the  shadow  of  what  she  was  a  month  ago. 

JoL.     You  don't  say  so. 

McC.  But  I  do  say  so.  (excitedly  slapping  his 
Tcnees  at  each  sentence)  And  I  say,  sor,  that  Diony- 
sius  McCafferty  has  made  up  his  mind  that  the  banns 
shall  go  up  next  Sunday  for  your  weddin'  wid  the 
best  little  girl  that  ever  drew  breath  in  the  parlour, 
or  heer  in  the  bar.  (rising)  Give  me  your  hand, 
Mr.  Joliffe  you're  in  luck,  sor !     (puts  chair  hach  E.), 

JoL.     (rising)     But,  Captain  McCafferty — < 

McC,     (turning)    Well,  sor! 


IN  CHANCERY.  23 

JoL.     Suppose  IVe  got  a  wife  already. 

McC.     What? 

JoL.     Suppose  IVe  got  a  wife  already. 

McC.  (in  a  rage)  What!  Do  you  mean  to  say 
you've  crawled  into  my  house  and  stolen  the  heart 
of  my  little  girl,  whilst  you've  got  a  wife  waitin'  for 
your  home  comin'. 

JoL.  (alarmed)  Don't  excite  yourself,  Captain, 
don't  excite  yourself,  think  of  the  bullet. 

McC.  (sinking  into  chair  R.)  Viper!  You've 
done  for  me,  viper ! 

JoL.  Captain  McCafferty,  don't  excite  yourself,  I 
didn't  say  I  was  married. 

(McCafferty  groans.) 

On  the  contrary,  I  don't  think  I  am  married. 

McC.     What  do  you  mean,  you  blackguard. 

JoL.  I  mean,  I  don't  remember  ever  marrying 
anybody. 

McC.     (jumping  up)     Don't  remember! 

JoL.  You  see  if  a  man  is  married  the  chances  are 
ten  to  one  he  knows  it,  ain't  they? 

McC.     When  I  was  married  I  knew  it ! 

JoL.  Just  so,  just  so,  that's  what  I  want  to  get 
at,  that's  what  I  want  to  get  at. 

McC.  (panting)  Ugh,  what  a  shock  you  gave 
me !  Bless  you,  my  boy.  I'll  call  my  little  girl,  and 
yoTi  shall  make  her  a  happy  creature  with  the  good 
news. 

JoL.     Wait  a  minute,  wait  a  minute. 

(McCafferty  goes  to  door  n.,  opens  it  and  calls,) 

McC.     Patricia,  Pat,  come  here. 

JoL.     (hysterically)     What   am   I   going  to   do! 
Wliat  am  I  going  to  do !    Oh,  if  I  only  could  remem- 
ber. 
(Pat.   enters  door  r.   McCafferty  embraces  her.) 

McC.  Pat,  my  darlin',  the  blow  has  dropped  on 
me!    I've  got  to  share  ye  wid  another  man.    Go  to 


24  IN  CHANCERY. 

him,  there  he  stands — your  own  lawful  husband  that 
is  to  be. 

(Patricia  crosses  to  Joliffe.) 

Pat.     (hashfully)      Montague ! 
JOL.     {in  a  daze)     P — P — Patricia. 

(They  embrace.) 

Pat.  Ah  thin!  I  shall  comb  your  hair  agin  for 
you  after  all. 

(She  leads  him  over  to  r.,  she  sitting.    McCaffeety 
goes  to  door  l.  and  calls.) 

McC.     Doctor,  come  down !    Mr.  Gawge,  Mr.  Buz- 
zard, sors,  come  down! 
(Titus,  Gawge  and  Buzzard  enter  quickly  door  l.) 

Titus,  Mr.  G.  and  Mr.  B.  Well,  Captain,  what 
is  it. 

McC.  Mr.  Joliffe  has  proposed  for  my  little  girl 
and  I've  consented. 

(McCafferty  l.  c.  Titus,  Gawge  and  Buzzard 
gather  round  Joliffe  and  Pat.  congratulating 
them  noisily.) 

Mr.  B.    Congratulate  you,  Mr.  Joliffe. 

Mr.  G.     You're  a  lucky  man,  sir. 

Titus,     (aside    to    Joliffe)     Y^ou've   taken   the 
dotor's  advice  then,  lucky  devil. 
(Gawge  and  Buzzard  resume  their  places  behind 

table  as  before.    Titus  goes  up  l.  c,  a  bell  rings 

offR.) 

McC.     What's  that? 

Pat.     The  post,  I  fancy,  wid  the  London  papers. 

(She  hustles  off  e.  McCafferty  crosses  to  Joliffe.) 

McC.  Ah,  my  boy !  It's  not  a  penniless  bride  ye 
take  to  your  heart,  for  I've  made  up  my  mind  to 
settle  upon  my  daughter  the  sum  of  what's  the  amount 
of  your  bill?  (taJces  bill  from  under  Joliffe's  arm.) 
[Total  £168—5—10.    That's  the  exact  amount  I  mean 


IN  CHANCERY.  25 

]to  settle  on  my  daughter,  so  to  the  devil  wid  the  bill. 
(Throwing  away  hill,  and  grasping  Joliffe's  hand.) 
Consider  youVe  got  the  money.  Heaven  prosper  you. 
(Music)  (Patricia  enters  with  6  London  papers.) 
Pat.     The  London  papers. 

(McCafferty  taJces  three,  throws  one  to  Gawge, 
one  to  TiTUS^  who  has  dropped  into  chair  L.,  and 
sits  L.  c.  keeping  remaining  one.  Pat.  gives  one 
to  Buzzard  and  one  to  Jol.,  who  brings  chair  and 
sits  c,  retaining  one  herself,  sitting  r.  They  all 
simultaneously  open  the  papers,  turn  them  twice, 
and  begin  reading  greedily.  Music.  Mysterious 
and  melodramatic  played  piano.  After  a  short 
pause  JoLiFFE  utters  a  cry  of  horror,  he  holes 
round  and  seeing  that  no  one  is  looking  at  him, 
reads.) 

Jol.  Ah!  (looking  round  reading)  '^£200 
reward,  absconded  about  six  weeks  ago,  Montague 
Joliffe,  fair,  slim,  about  five  feet  ten  inches  in  height. 
The  above  reward  will  be  paid  on  application  to 
Messrs.  Screw  and  Patchett,  Solicitors,  "  Grays  Inn." 
Montague  Joliffe,  that's  my  name!  Fair,  Pm  fair! 
Slim,  I'm  slim !  5  feet  10  inches  in  height,  that's 
my  measure.  I'm  a  criminal,  I'm  a  criminal ! 
(They  all  look  up  from  their  papers  in  astonishment.) 
All.     (loudly)     What's  the  matter? 

(Music  quickens.) 

'(Beginning  with  Patricia,  Joliffe  goes  from  one 

to  the  other  snatching  the  newspapers.) 

Jol.     Don't  read  the  papers,  don't  read  the  papers, 
don't  read  the  papers. 

(All  rise  in  confusion.    Joliffe  sinks  into  chair  c, 
with   newspapers   under   his   arm.     Music   swells 
loudly  as  Curtain  falls.    Quick  Curtain.) 
Buzzard  Joliffe  Gawge 

Pat.  McCafferty 

Titus 


.^oc  Lldr, 

OF  THt- 


26  IN  CHANCERY. 


ACT  11. 

ARTIFICIAL  MEMORY. 

Scene: — Tlie  best  room  of  the  Hotel,  at  bach  c,  a 
large  window  looking  out  on  to  sky  prospect,  with 
the  tops  of  some  distant  trees  R.  and  L.  Up  stage 
and  facing  each  other,  doors  set  obliquely.  Down 
stage  R., — fireplace.  Before  fireplace,  an  arm- 
chair and  footstool,  on  the  arm-chair,  a  loose 
cushion,  under  which  some  newspapers  are  con- 
cealed. A  hearth-rug  to  be  raised,  showing  some 
newspapers  under  it.  Down  stage  L.  c,  a  couch. 
Up  stage  c,  a  large  dining  table,  laid  for  wedding 
breakfast,  with  glass,  plate,  flowers,  etc.,  etc.  In 
the  centre  of  the  table,  a  large  wedding  cake. 
Decanters  of  spirit,  etc.  Seven  or  eight  chairs 
round  the  table.  Inside  door  R.  lock  and  key, 
outside  door  L.  lock  and  key,  practicable  {most 
important.  Articles  of  furniture,  pictures,  por- 
traits, etc.,  to  fill  spaces. 

See  plan  of  Scene. 

(Mendelsohn's  wedding  march  at  rise  of  curtain. 
McCafferty  enters  door  R.,  carrying  two  bottles 
of  champagne.  McCafferty  is  in  resplendent 
attire,  dressed  in  all  the  colours  of  the  rainbow, 
and  wearing  a  large  wedding  favour;  he  deposits 
the  wine  upon  the  table.) 

McC.  Phew !  It's  a  mighty  good  job  that  my 
little  girl's  not  married  every  day  of  my  life,  what 
with  the  wedding  breakfast,  my  wines  and  spirits,  to 
say  nothing  of  supplying  the  bridegroom  with  a 
trousseau  as  well  as  the  bride,  (a  knock  at  door  R.) 
Come  in  now. 

(Mr.  Hinxman"  enters,  carrying  a  glass  of  grog.  A 
rather  shabby  looking  person,  with  a  sharp  en- 
quiring manner.) 


IN  CHANCERY.  27 

HiNX.     I'm  afraid  I'm  intruding. 

McC.     I'll  tell  ye  that  when  I  know  who  ye  are. 

HiNX.     My  name's (cheching  himself)   er — 

Simpson.  I  arrived  at  Steepleton  late  last  night, 
having  a  look  round  on  railway  business. 

McC.     Oh,  I  remember  ye  comin'. 

(McCafferty   Insies    himself   at    talle,   Hinxman" 
comes  down  r.,  places  grog  on  mantelpiece.) 

HiNX.     Got  a  wedding  on  here  to-day,  I  hear? 

McC.     My  little  girl's  to  be  sacrificed. 

HiNX.     Who's  the  happy  man? 

McC.  Bfye  mean  the  bemaddening  idiot  she's 
wasted  her  young  affections  on? 

HiNX.     I  mean  the  bridegroom. 

McC.  His  name,  bad  luck  to  him  is  Joliffe,  Mr. 
Montague  Joliffe. 

(HiNXMAN  starts,  talces  out  pocTcet-hooh  and  maJces 
notes.) 

HiNX.  (aside)  That's  my  man !  I  thought  I  was 
on  the  right  track,  (to  McCafferty,  with  assumed 
indifference)     A  resident  here,  I  suppose? 

McC.  No,  a  stranger,  came  here  from  the  devil 
knows  where,  about  a  couple  of  months  ago. 

HiNX.  (writing  again)  I've  got  him,  I've  got 
him,  or  my  name's  not  James  Hinxman,  and  going 
to  commit  bigamy,  too,  is  he  ?  Oh !  this'll  make  a 
pretty  case — this  will,  (pochets  note-hooh  and  turns 
as  McCafferty  comes  down.) 

HiNX.  I  should  like  to  join  the  wedding  party. 
Captain  McCafferty,  if  you've  no  objection? 

McC.  Well,  you'll  join  it  if  you  pay  your  dam- 
age: the  more  the  wretcheder. 

(Mr.  Gav^ge  a7id  Mr.  Buzzard  hustle  in  door  r., 
gaudily    dressed    and    wearirig    wedding    favours.) 

Mr.  G.  and  Mr.  B.  (together)  Here  we  are, 
Captain,  here  we  are.     (coming  c.) 


28  IN  CHANCERY. 

McC.  Here  ye  are,  here  ye  are!  D'ye  think  I 
can't  see  ye  ?  You're  visible  to  the  naked  eye,  I  can 
tell  you,  and  about  an  hour  too  soon,  both  of  ye. 

Mr.  G.     Better  too  soon,  than  too  late.  Captain. 

McC.  (angrily)  Don't  dictate  to  me,  sor,  on  an 
anxious  occasion  like  the  present. 

Mr.  B.  Beg  pardon,  Captain,  may  we  have  a 
peep  at  the  bride? 

McC.  Well,  your  daughter  Amelia  Anne  is 
a-dressin'  of  her. 

(Goes  to  door  and  calls.    Mr.  Gawge  and  Mr.  Buz- 
zard  go  up  and  inspect  the  table.) 

McC.  Patricia !  Pat !  Come  down  and  show 
yourself  if  you're  dacent. 

(He  turns  and  sees  Gawge  and  Buzzard  inspecting 
table.) 

McC.  (sharply)  Mr.  Gawge!  Mr.  Buzzard! 
Sors,  you'll  not  touch  the  meal  now  till  the  melan- 
choly time  arrives. 

(Pat.    enters   door  l.,   attended  by   Amelia   Ann" 
Buzzard.     Miss  Buzzard  is  dressed  in  a  very  old 
maidish  style,  quite  a  contrast  to  Pat.    Patricia 
is  dressed  in  bridal  white  and  orange  blossoms.) 
Pat.    Here  I  am,  papa. 

McC.  (proudly)  Here  she  is,  gintlemen,  and  it's 
something  more  than  parental  pride  when  I  say, 
mind  your  eyesight !  (To  Hinxman,  who  is  standing 
on  hearthrug  down  R.)  Mr.  Simpson,  my  daughter. 
(Hinxman  bows  to  Pat.)  and  sivin  shillings  a  yard 
is  the  dress  she's  standing  in. 

Pat.  Oh,  pa,  how  can  you  expose  me  to  such  an 
ordeal ? 

HiNX.  This  is  an  unexpected  pleasure.  Captain 
McCafferty.  I  suppose  I  shall  have  the  pleasure  of 
making  the  acquaintance  of  Mr.  Joliffe  by-and-bye! 


IN  CHANCERY.  29 

Mr.  B.  He  was  sittin'  in  the  passage,  with  his 
'ed  agin  the  wall,  as  we  come  along. 

McC.  Then  why  the  devil  didn't  ye  bring  him 
along  wid  ye?  You're  his  best  man,  aren't  you? 
Fetch  him  here  now. 

Mr.  G.  and  Mr.  B.  Certainly,  Captain,  certainly. 
(Buzzard  and  Gawge  'bustle  out  door  r.) 

Pat.     Papa,  is  it  commy  fo  that  we  should  meet? 

McC.  And  is  it  commy  fo  that  the  father-in-law 
should  provide  the  bridegroom  with  a  trousseau,  to 
say  nothing  of  pocket-money  into  the  bargain? 

(Buzzard  and  Gawge  re-enter  with  Joliffe. 
JoLiFFE  is  in  wedding  clothes,  looking  exceedingly 
anxious  and  unwell.    He  glances  round  wildly,) 

JoL.    Good  evening. 

McC.     It's  morning,  you  aggravating  imbecile. 

Pat.     Papa ! 

JoL.  (solemnly)  It's  evening  if  you  haven't  been 
to  bed  all  night.  Where's  Dr.  Titus?  I  wish  to 
consult  Dr.  Titus. 

McC.  He'll  be  here  by-and-bye;  what  do  ye  re- 
quire ? 

JoL.  I  want  a  sleeping  draught.  I  think  a  little 
nap.  {Seeing  Buzzard  on  his  left.)  What  are  you, 
when  the  time  comes? 

Mr.  B.     Oh,  I'm  the  best  man ! 

JoL.  {looking  him  up  and  down)  The  very  best 
man?  (Buzzard  nods  assent.)  Thank  you — the  ar- 
rangements are  splendid,  (seeing  Gawge  on  K.) 
You  are  the  second  best  man,  I  suppose? 

Mr.  G.     Yes,  yes,  I  suppose  so. 

JoL.  Thank  you,  the  arrangements  are  magnifi- 
cent. 

(Gawge  and  Buzzard  hoth  go  up  r.  of  table,  Joliffe 
sees  HiNXMAN.) 

JoL.     I  beg  pardon,  I  don't  know  you,  do  I  ? 


30  IN  CHANCERY. 

HiNX.  Mr.  Simpson.  Captain  McCafferty  has 
asked  me  to  the  wedding. 

JoL.     How  nice !     Are   there   any   more   coming 
up?     {coming  c.  aside)  What  am  I  going  to  do?     I 
know  I'm  a  criminal,  but  am  I  a  married  criminal? 
Oh !  if  I  could  only  remember ! 
(He  goes  up  to  table,  tahes  up  a  decanter  of  spirits, 

and  tries  to  pour  some  into  glass,  rattling  the  de^ 

canter  against  the  glass  in  his  agitation.) 

McC.     (talcing   decanter  from  him)      No,  you'll 
not !  you'll  not  touch  the  refrishment  till  the  melan- 
choly time  arrives. 
(JoLiFFE  and  McCafferty  expostulate  with  each 

other  up  stage.     HiNX.,   down  R.,  refers  to  his 

note-hook.) 

HiNX.  (aside)  That's  my  man,  I'll  bet  a  pony. 
I  wish  I  hadn't  lost  that  there  photo  of  Montague 
Joliife.  I've  wired  to  town  for  another,  and  must 
wait  till  it  comes.  But  this  chap  answers  the  descrip- 
tion. Fair,  he's  fair.  Slim,  he's  slim.  Five  foot 
ten  inches  in  height,  that's  about  his  measure — and 
going  to  commit  bigamy,  too,  are  you,  Mr.  Joliffe? 
(looking  him  up  and  down)  Well,  you  look  as  if  you 
was  a-going  to  commit  everything,  Mr.  Joliffe.  (re- 
turns  note-hooh  to  pocket)  But  I  don't  take  my  eye 
off  you  till  I  get  that  other  photo  from  town,  and 
chance  it. 

McC.  (coming  down  ivith  Joliffe)  And  there  ye 
are,  standin'  shakin'  like  the  tail  of  a  pig,  and  ye 
haven't  kissed  your  bride  on  the  weddin'  morning. 
Is  it  behaviour?  (shaking  his  fist  at  Joliffe)  I 
wish  my  state  of  health  would  permit  me  to  lose  my 
temper  wid  ye. 

JoL.  I  was  about  to  do  it.  I  was  about  to  do  it. 
(Miss  Buzzard  and  Pat.  rise.     Joliffe  crosses  to 

them  and  distractedly  embraces  Miss  Buzzard; 

both  ladies  utter  small  screams.) 

McC.  What  are  ye  doin'?  What  are  ye  doin'? 
You're  kissing  the  wrong  woman. 


IN  CHANCERY.  31 

JoL.     A  mistake,  a  mistake!  (Kisses  Patricia.) 

Mr.  B.  (indignantly)  Kissing  my  daughter,  Mr. 
Joliffe  !    You  forget  yourself,  sir. 

JoL.  (throwing  up  his  arms)  I  should  think  I  do. 

McC.  Take  him  away!  Take  him  away  and 
put  him  somewhere  till  the  time  comes  to  make  him 
my  relative.     Take  him  away ! 

JoL.     I'd  rather  explain,  I'd  rather  explain. 

(Gawge  a?id  Bvzzard  take  hold  of  him  on  each  side 
and  he  is  home  out  door  r. — McCafferty  follow- 
ing^ gesticulating  violently.) 

HiNX.  Hallo !  This  won't  do ;  I  mustn't  lose 
sight  of  my  man  till  I  get  that  photo  from  town. 
(to  the  ladies)  Servant,  ladies.  (He  goes  out 
door  R.) 

(Pat.  rises  and  crosses  to  tahle  c.) 
Pat.     I'm  sure  papa's  too  hard  on  Montague;  it's 

a  confusin'  time  for  him.     Gintlemen  aren't  getting 

married  every  day  of  their  lives,  (simpering)  Not  to 

me,  at  any  rate,  (at  chair  R.) 

Miss  B.   (gloomily)  No,  nor  to  me  either,  (going 

to  window  c.) 

Pat.    (listening)   What's  that  down  below,  dear? 

(Miss  B.  runs  to  window  and  looks  out.) 
Miss  B.     Some   arrivals  from  the  Eailway   Sta- 
tion.    A  young  lady  with  two  servants,  a  man  serv- 
ant and  a  maid.     Gracious  !     Here's  fashion ! 

Pat.  0,  bother  'em !  Coming  here  on  my  mar- 
riage day,  and  nobody  to  look  after  the  kitchen  but 
the  bride,  (crossing  to  the  door)  I  hope  pa  will  have 
the  good  sense  to  shut  the  door  on  'em.  Come  along, 
dear,  and  help  me  to  put  on  my  veil. 
Miss  B.     Yes,  dear,  with  pleasur  . 

(Pat,  goes  out  door  l.^  followed  by  Miss  B.     As 
they  leave,  the  door  R.  opens  and  Joliffe  re-enters 
stealthily,  closing  the  door  behind  him.) 
JOL.    I've  given  my  best  man  the  slip  and  stolen 


S2  IN  CHANCERY. 

away.  If  I  could  only  reflect  coherently  on  my  posi- 
tion, but  such  a  dreadful  headache  has  come  on. 
(crosses  and  sits  on  sofa  l.  c,  leaning  his  head  on 
his  hands)  Oh,  if  I  hadn't  committed  that  dread- 
ful crime — whatever  it  was — and  knew  who  I  was, 
wouldn't  I  make  the  railway  company  pay  for  this? 

(Unperceived  hy  Joliffe,  Hinxman  returns  quietly 
door  R.) 

HiNX.  What's  my  man  up  to  now?  (hiding  he- 
hind  window  curtains)  If  he'd  only  say  or  do  some- 
thing to  identify  himself,  I'd  whip  him  off  to  a 
magistrate  in  a  jiffy. 

JoL.  (aside)  If  I  had  sufficient  courage  to  fly, 
where  could  I  find  a  shelter — even  a  cabman's  shel- 
ter? No,  Steepleton  is  my  only  chance  of  safety — 
nobody  comes  to  Steepleton  unless  they're  left  there 
by  a  railway  accident.  If  I  went  to  some  busier 
spot,  I  should  be  arrested  for  that  dreadful  crime 
I've  committed.  Oh,  how  could  I  have  done  that 
dreadful  deed — whatever  it  was?  I  wonder  whether 
I  was  a  hardened  criminal  or  only  a  victim  of  a 
sudden  temptation.  I  do  hope — I  do  hope  I  wasn't 
a  mean  thief.  I  should  despise  myself  if  I'd  been 
guilty  of  a  nasty  little  paltry  misdemeanour,  (rising) 
No,  I  hope  it  was  a  skilful,  dexterous  forgery,  or 
a  brilliant,  audacious  embezzlement.  Oh !  fancy,  I 
shall  never  be  able  to  write  my  recollections. 

(crosses  b.  c.     Hinxman  puts  his  head  out  from 
curtains.) 

HiNX.     What's  he  muttering  about? 

JoL.  (sitting  in  arm-chair)  And  now,  am  I  or 
am  I  not  about  to  perpetrate  a  bigamy?  (wiping  his 
eyes)  Poor  Patricia,  I  shouldn't  like  to  deceive  her. 
She's  a  large-minded  woman,  large-minded  and  large- 
hearted.  Great  woman  altogether.  No,  I  don't  think 
I  can  be  a  married  man;  if  I'd  been  married,  I 
should  never  have  committed  that  dreadful  crime, 


IN  CHANCERY.  33 

unless  it  was  for  the  sake  of  a  starving  wife  and 
family,  (rising  quickly)  No,  I  must  risk  it,  I  must 
risk  it.  Marriage  is  my  only  chance  of  self-preserva- 
tion ;  after  the  ceremony  McCafferty  is  bound  to  pro- 
tect his  boy,  his  son-in-law.  Oh,  the  difficulty  I\e 
had  to  conceal  the  offers  of  reward  for  my  apprehen- 
sion, at  the  present  moment  there  are  three  weeks' 
daily  papers,  concealed  all  over  the  Hotel. 

{He  lifts  up  the  cushion  of  the  chair  in  which  he 
has  been  sitting.  Under  the  cushion  there  is  a 
quantity  of  newspapers) 

Little  does  old  McCafferty  suspect  the  volcano  up- 
on which  he  sits. 

(Goes  to  hearthrug  and  gingerly  lifts  up  the  corner, 
a  heap  of  newspapers  is  strewn  under  the  rug). 

(McCafferty's  voice  is  heard  without,  off  r.) 

McC.     Step  this  way,  man,  and  mind  the  stairs. 

JoL.  McCafferty,  McCafferty,  is  my  time  come? 
(crosses  L.)  I'll  go  and  put  my  head  in  cold  water. 
Oh,  if  I  could  only  forget  to  take  it  out  again,  (goes 
out  L.  door) 

HiNX.  (coming  from  hehind  curtain)  This 
chap's  conscience  is  a-pricking  of  him — to  judge  by 
his  antics,  (looking  towards  door  l.)  He  can't  get 
out  this  side  of  the  house,  but  I'll  keep  my  eye  on 
him.    I  '11  keep  my  eye  on  him. 

(Re  goes  off  door  l.  ^5  he  leaves,  McCafferty  en^ 
ters  followed  hy  Mrs.  Smith^  John  and  Walker. 
Mrs.  Smith  is  a  young  and  pretty  girl  in  an 
elegant  travelling  dress.  Walker  is  a  neatly  at- 
tired,  good-looking  maid,  and  John  a  very 
superior,  smart,  man-servant,  tall,  fair  and  slim. 
Walker  carries  some  hand-hags  and  John  the 
wraps) 
McC.     You'll  not  find  a  better  apartment  in  any 

hotel  in  Europe,  anywhere. 


34  IN  CHANCERY. 

Mrs.  S.  Thank  you,  this  will  do.  I  am  on  my 
way  to  the  N"orth  and  wish  to  break  the  terribly 
long  journey  by  remaining  here  to-night. 

McC.  Well,  you'll  do  as  you  like,  but  take  notice 
that  the  railway  train  will  be  a  paradise  to  what  this 
hotel  will  be  for  the  next  dozen  hours  or  more. 

Mrs.  S.     Good  gracious! — what  do  you  mean? 

McC.  I  mean  that  there's  a  wedding  going  on 
here. 

Mrs.  S.    a  wedding !    Who's  wedding  ? 

McC.  The  weddin'  of  my  little  girl  with  the  be- 
maddening  idiot  she's  in  love  wid. 

Mrs.  S.  (delighted)  A  wedding!  Oh,  how 
romantic  !     Isn't  it.  Walker  ? 

Walk.     Yes,  Ma'am. 

Mrs.  S.  (turning  to  JoHisr  with  a  sigh)  Fancy, 
John,  a  wedding. 

John.     Yes,  ma'am. 

McC.  And  it's  here  that  the  gorging  will  be 
done,  so  if  you'll  take  my  advice  you'll  go  below 
while  they're  a-doin'  it. 

Mrs.  S.  (clapping  her  hands)  Oh  no,  do  let  me 
remain  here  and  watch  the  festivities,  do  Mr. — Mr. 
O'Flaherty. 

McC.   (indignantly)  Captain  McCafferty,  madam ! 

Mrs.  S.  Captain  McCafferty,  do  let  me  stay.  I've 
never  seen  an  Irish  wedding. 

McC.  (beside  himself)  An  Irish  weddin'.  And 
what's  the  difference  between — 

Mrs.  S.     Oh,  no,  none  I'm  sure,  none,  none. 

McC.  Very  well  then,  very  well,  (giving  Tceys 
to  Walker)  No.  5,  No.  8  and  No.  16  are  your  rooms 
above.  There  are  the  keys,  the  locks  are  out  of  order. 
(muttering)  Irish  weddin'  indeed!  (to  Mrs.  Smith) 
What  name? 

Mrs.  S.     Smith. 

McC.     (with  contempt)     Schmidt. 

Mrs.  S.     Mrs.  Smith. 

McC.     (turning  to  go)    Schmidt,  well  I've  never 


IN  CHANCERY.  35 

seen  an  Italian  before,     {indignantly)  Irish  weddin', 
indeed ! 

{He  goes  out  R.^  hanging  the  door  after  him,  Mrs. 
S.  laughs  heartily.) 

Mrs.  S.  Ha,  ha !  what  an  extraordinary  person. 
Walker,  run  upstairs  and  see  what  my  room  is  like. 
John  shall  go  to  the  Station  for  the  luggage. 

Walk.     Yes,  ma'am. 

(Walker  places  hand-hag  on  sofa  and  goes  out  door 
L.^  directly  she  has  gone,  Mrs.  Smith  and  John 
exchange  looks  then  walk  tiptoe,  Mrs.  Smith  to 
door  L.,  John"  to  door  n.,  they  open  the  doors, 
then  listen  for  a  moment,  and  then  close  the  doors 
quietly,  they  then  return  quickly  to  c,  where  Mrs. 
Smith  throivs  herself  into  John's  arms.) 

Mrs.  S.     Oh,  Montage,  Montague,  Montague! 

John.     My  own,  dear,  precious  little  wife ! 

Mrs.  S.  Oh,  Montague,  when  shall  I  be  able  to 
be  my  real  self?  (going  to  sofa)  I  long  to  throw 
off  this  disguise  and  be  to  the  world  what  I  really 
am,  Mrs.  Montague  Joliffe  the  wife  of  the  dearest 
fellow  in  the  world,  (gets  to  John^  takes  his  hand 
and  lays  her  head  on  his  shoulder,  then  returns  to 
sofa.) 

John.  Oh,  Melina  darling!  I  too  long  to  throw 
aside  this  wretched  disguise  and  be  myself  again, 
Montague  Joliffe,  the  husband  of  the  best  little  wife 
in  the  world.  But  darling,  every  newspaper,  day 
after  day  contains  the  offer  of  a  reward  for  my  dis- 
covery. 

Mrs.  S.  I  know,  I  know !  Y^ou  don't  think  that 
Walker,  my  new  maid,  suspects  anything. 

John.     N"o,  why  should  she  ? 

Mrs.  S.  Oh,  what  a  honeymoon  for  two  young 
people,  (sits  on  sofa)  Fetch  the  luggage  from  the 
Station,  dear. 

John,     (with  disgust)     More  porters,     (goes  to 


86  IN  CHANCERY. 

door  and  returns  io  c.)  My  honeymoon  is  made  np 
of  calling  cabs,  taking  tickets,  carrying  luggage  and 
every  menial  occupation  under  the  sun,  and  Fm 
worse  off  than  a  real  servant. 

Mrs.  S.     Oh,  Montague! 

John".     I  am,  real  servants  get  tips,  I  don't. 

(Mrs.  S.  rises  and  crosses,  embracing  liim  again) 
Mrs.  S.     Well  then,  here's  a  tip  for  you,  my  poor 
dear  martyr,    {hissing  him) 

(Walker  enters  door  i,.,  unperceived  hy  them,  sees 

them  embrace  and  utters  scream.    They  separate 

in  confusion) 

Walker.     Well,  I  never! 

Mrs.  S.  Oh,  dear,  oh  dear,  you — you,  you  came 
in  without  knocking. 

Walk.  Eeally,  ma'am,  I  must  ask  to  leave  you 
at  once.  In  all  my  old  families,  the  men-servants 
have  always  been  the  maids'  perquisites. 

John.     (r.  c.)     Be  silent! 

Mrs.  S.     This  is  my  husband. 

Walker.     A  lady  married  a  man ! 

Mrs.  S.     Well,  what  should  a  lady  marry? 

Walker.  I  mean  a  servant  man.  No  wonder  I've 
never  had  any  attention  from  him. 

John.  My  good  woman,  I  am  not  a  man-servant. 
I  am  merely  assuming  the  character  of  one,  and  now 
that  you  are  assured  of  that  fact,  you  can  go  about 
your  business. 

Mrs.  S.  (going  to  Walker)  Oh  no,  Walker, 
don't  leave  me  in  my  great  difficulties,  you're  a  good- 
hearted  woman,  I  know,  and  I'll  confide  in  you. 
Have  patience,  Montague  dear! 

(John  sits  in  arm-chair  r.  c.  Mrs.  Smith  sits  on 
cushion  at  his  feet.     Walker  stands  by  c,  with 
arms  folded) 
Mrs.  S.     Walker,  have  you  ever  known  anybody 

in  Chancery?  ' 


IN  CHANCERY.  37 

Walk.  Yes,  ma'am,  I  have,  my  brother  had  a 
fight  with  a  milkman. 

Mrs.  S.     No,  no ;  do  you  know  what  a  Ward  is  ? 

Walk.     A  sick  ward,  ma'am? 

John,  {dolefully)  She  takes  us  for  a  work- 
house. 

Mrs.  S.  (tenderly)  It's  only  because  we  are  a 
union.  Y^es,  Walker,  I  am  a  sick  ward,  a  heartsick 
ward.  Walker,  I'm  what  they  call  a  ward  of  court, 
one  of  the  Lord  Chancellor's  young  ladies,  you  know, 
and  I  daren't  marry  without  the  approval  of  the  Vice 
Chancellor  and  the  consent  of  my  trustees.  Major 
Gamboil  and  Admiral  Turvey,  and  I  have  married 
without  anybody's  consent  or  approval  at  all,  and 
oh.  Walker,  they're  trying  to  take  my  dear  husband 
from  me,  and  to  put  him  into  prison  to  make  door- 
mats, (crying)  And  we're  both  very  young — and 
we  couldn't  bear  it — and  oh!  Walker,  how  would 
you  like  it  yourself? 

(Mrs.  S.  hursts  into  tears;  John  soothes  and  em- 
braces her.) 

Walk,  (sympathetically)  Well,  ma'am,  of 
course  I  didn't  know  when  I  saw  you  kissing  master ! 
Bless  him,  I've  often  had  the  mind  to  do  it  myself. 

Mrs.  S.     Walker! 

Walk.  Well,  Ma'am,  I  didn't  know  that  he  was 
your  dear,  good,  husband,  and  a  gentleman,  and  I 
couldn't  think  of  leaving  you,  but  what  will  you  do 
if  they  catch  him?  (crying)  And  where  are  you 
off  to  now,  ma'am? 

Mrs.  S.  To  an  old  Hydropathic  Establishment 
in  Pitlorhin,  where  we  think  no  one  would  dream 
of  looking  for  us,  we  tried  to  get  there  about  two 
months  ago,  but  we  both  met  with  a  horrible  shaking 
in  a  railway  accident  at  this  very  Junction. 

John.  A  shocking  railway  accident,  we  were 
thrown  into  each  other's  arms. 


38  IN  CHANCERY. 

Mrs.  S.  (to  Walker)  Yes,  and  that  was  not  the 
worst  of  it. 

John-,  (to  Mrs.  S.)  ISTo  dear,  that  was  the  best 
of  it. 

Mrs.  S.  In  the  collision,  Mr.  Joliffe  lost  his 
overcoat  and  his  card  case,  that's  why  we  have 
changed  our  name,  in  case  the  loss  should  put  the 
police  on  his  track.  There,  run  along  downstairs,  my 
good  Walker,  and  see  if  there  is  any  chance  of  our 
getting  something  to  eat ! 

Walk.  Yes,  ma'am,  that  I  will,  {crossing  to 
door  R.)  Eat!  There,  I  feel  I  could  swallow  the 
master  to  keep  him  out  of  sight ! 

(Walker  goes  out  door  r.  as  Hinxman  enters 
door  L.  unnoticed  hy  John  and  Mrs.  Smith.) 

HiNX.  (aside)  My  man's  a-soaking  of  his  head. 
I  wonder  whether  there's  another  post  in  from  Town 
yet?  (seeing  Mrs.  Smith  and  John)  Hullo! 
More  wedding  guests,  I  suppose  ? 

Mrs.  S.  (turning  and  seeing  liim)  I  beg  your 
pardon. 

HiNX.  I  beg  yours,  ma'am,  I  was  just  going 
downstairs  to — 

(seeing  Mrs.  Smithy's  face,  lie  starts  hack  with  a 
cry  of  surprise) 

IIiNX.     Excuse  me,  mum. 

(He  takes  out  a  pocket-hook,  and  out  of  hook  a 
photo,  which  he  rapidly  compares  with  Mrs. 
Smith's  face) 

HiNX.  Right!  By  Jingo  Yours  is  too  pretty  a 
face  to  be  mistook,  even  when  seen  in  a  photo :  Mrs. 
Montague  Joliffe,  I'm  pleased  to  meet  you,  ma'am. 

(Mrs.  Smith  and  John  utter  a  suppressed  cry  hut 
otherwise  retain  their  composure.) 

Mrs.  S.     (faintly)     Who — who  are  you,  sir? 


IN  CHANCERY.  39 

HiNX.  Hinxman — Mr.  James  Hinxman,  a  pri- 
vate enquiry  officer,  in  connection  with  Scotland 
Yard.  I'm  employed  by  your  guardians,  Major 
Gamboil  and  Admiral  Turvey,  to  discover  the  where- 
abouts of  Mr.  Montague  Joliffe  who  is  wanted  for 
contempt  for  marrying  a  ward  of  court. 

(JoHK  comes  quichly  hetween  Mrs.  S.  and  Hinx- 
man.) 

John.  Then  let  me  tell  you,  Mr.  James  Hinx- 
man, if  you  don't  instantly  quit  this  room,  I  shall 
take  you  by  the  scruff  of  the  neck  and  break  a  win- 
dow with  you. 

HiNX.     Hallo!    Who's  this? 

John,     (advancing)     Who  am  I? 

Mrs.  S.  (grasping  the  situation)  Oh,  that — 
that  is  John  Chorley,  my  servant,  he  is  a  very  faith- 
ful fellow — but  who — occasionally  forgets  his  place. 
Go  away,  John,  and  don't  interfere. 

(John  looks  from  one  to  the  other,  then  retires  up 
quichly.) 

Mrs.  S.  (to  Hinxman)  And  now,  sir,  wha€ 
do  you  want  with  me? 

HiNX.  To  bring  you  face  to  face  with  your  hus- 
band. Your  following  your  good  gentleman  to 
Steepleton  gives  me  the  one  remaining  proof  I 
wanted.  And  a  nice  little  game  you've  caught  him 
up  to,  now  you  have  found  him.  (He  goes  up  to 
door  laughing  and  calls)  Here,  Mr.  Joliffe,  Mr. 
Montague  Joliffe,  you're  wanted. 

(John  has  come  down  r.  c. — r.  of  Mrs.  Smith.) 

John,     (aside  to  Mrs.  Smith)    What? 
Mrs.  S.     (aside  to  John)     Hush!  be  quiet! 
HiNX.     Mr.  Joliffe,  you're  wanted. 
John,     (aside    to    Mrs.    Smith)      What's    the 
meaning  of  this  ? 
Mrs.  S.    Wait  and  see. 


40  IN  CHANCERY. 

HiNX.     You're  wanted. 

JoL.     (outside)     Want  me,  want  me? 

(JoLiFFE  enters  slowly  door  L.  His  hair  is  larik 
and  damp,  and  he  is  mopping  his  forehead  with 
his  handkerchief.) 

HiNX.  Yes,  I've  got  a  pleasant  little  surprise 
for  you. 

Joi.     Surprise  ? 

HiNX.    Yes,  here's  your  good  lady. 

JoL.     My  what? 

HiNX.  Your  wife,  Mrs.  Montague  Joliffe,  come 
all  the  way  to  Steepleton  to  find  you. 

(HiNXMAN  pushes  him  over  to  Mrs.  S.  and  sits  on 
sofa  L.  c.  rubbing  his  hands  triumphantly.  Jol- 
iffe stands  bewildered.) 

JoL.  My  wife,  my  wife,  (gazing  at  Mrs.  S.  and 
advancing  slowly)    M — Mrs.  Joliffe! 

Mrs.  S.     (commanding  herself)     Mrs.  Joliffe! 

JoL.  My  wife !  (pulling  himself  together)  Had 
any  difficulty  in  finding  me,   (enquiringly)   Maria? 

HiNX.  (rising)  Maria,  be  bio  wed!  Look  here, 
Mr.  Joliffe,  its  no  use  your  trying  to  gammon  me. 
You'd  better  look  things  straight  in  the  face.  My 
name's  Hinxman,  I'm  a  detective,  I'm  after  you, 
and  you  know  well  what  for. 

JoL.  (makes  a  move  to  Hinx — enquiringly) 
What? 

Hinx.  Y'ou've  married  Miss  Mellina  Summers, 
a  ward  of  Chancery,  without  the  consent  of  the  court, 
Major  Gamboil  and  Admiral  Turvey,  the  young 
lady's  guardians,  and  that's  the  long  and  short  of 
it,  now  then! 

(Joliffe  has  been  listening  very  attentively  to  every 
word,  utters  a  sigh  of  relief.) 

JoL.  Oh !  that's  what  I've  been  up  to.  (sticks  his 
fingers  in  his  waistcoat^  and  walks  up  and  down 


IN  CHANCERY.  41 

stage  "beside  himself  with  delight.  Digging  himself 
in  the  rihs)  Artful  devil,  gay  dog!  Kegular  Joliffe. 
(digging  Hinxman  in  the  rihs,  Hinxman  remon- 
strates— they  talk  together.) 

John,  {aside  to  Mrs.  Smith)  What  does  all 
this  mean? 

Mrs.  S.  (aside  to  John)  The  man's  evidently 
an  impostor,  who  has  taken  your  name  to  screen  him- 
self.   Be  silent,  it  may  save  us. 

JoL.  (to  Hinxman)  Then  there's  no  forgery  or 
embezzlement   in  the  case. 

HiNX.     Well,  not  in  my  instructions. 

JoL.  (Indignantly)  Of  course  there  isn't,  sir, 
you'd  better  be  careful  vrhat  you  insinuate,  (turn- 
ing to  Mrs.  S.,  who  is  standing  r.  c.  in  wonderment) 
Well,  Mellina  dear,  how  I  have  been  expecting  you, 
Mellina. 

(Joliffe  holds  out  his  arm  to  Mellina,  who  shrinks 
hack,  while  John  utters  an  exclamation  of  indig- 
nation.) 

Mrs.  S.     Be  quiet — you'll  betray  yourself. 

JoL.  (dropping  his  arms  uneasily)  Don't  be 
annoyed,  Mellina,  I  can  explain — 

HiNX.     (laughing)      Ha!  ha!  ha! 

JoL.  I  left  you,  Mellina,  about  two  months  ago, 
wasn't  it,  Mellina? 

Mrs.  S.  Yes,  you  know  it  was.  (goes  and  faces 
him.) 

JoL.  Yes,  I  know,  I  know  it  was.  I  tore  myself 
from  your  side  because  I — you — we — they — yoM 
know  why,  Mellina.  Then  I  had  a  nasty  accident,  and 
couldn't  hold  my  pen.  How  I  have  missed  you, 
Mellina. 

Mrs.  S.  (frightened  hut  conquering  herself) 
In — Indeed ! 

JoL.  (genially)  And  how  are  things  at  home? 
Old  place  looking  just  the  same?. 

Mrs.  S,    Just  the  same. 


42  IN  CHANCERY. 

JoL.  I'm  rather  curious  to  see  how  the  old  place 
is  looking. 

Mrs.  S.     I — I — dare  say. 

JoL.  Well,  we've  got  ourselves  into  a  nice  scrape, 
haven't  we,   Mellina.     I   suppose   Major — {turning 

to   HiNXMAN.) 

HiNX.     Gamboil. 

JoL.     Yes,    Gamboil   and   Admiral — (turning    to 

HiNXMAN.) 

HiNX.     Turvey. 

JoL.     Turvey,  yes,  are  in  a  frightful  rage. 

Mrs.  S.    Awful. 

JoL.     I  always  hated  those  two  old  boys. 

HiNX.     Old!     They're  not  old. 

JoL.  {correcting  himself  hastily)  No,  no,  not 
when  I  left  home,  time  does  fly.  Well  I  suppose 
they'll  drag  me  before  the  Vice  Chancellor,  an  inar- 
ticulate old  gentleman  who  will  read  me  a  long  lec- 
ture and  incarcerate  me  in  Holloway  prison.  It  will 
be  a  sad  trial  for  you,  Mellina,  a  sad — 

(JoLiFFE  puts  his  arm  round  her,  she  averts  her 
head;  John  utters  a  cry  of  rage  and  turns  on 
JoLiFEE^  clenching  his  fists.) 

JoL.  {loohing  at  John)  What's  the  matter 
with  that  fellow? 

Mrs.  S.  {still  in  Joliffe's  arms)  Oh,  it's — it's 
— it's  John ! 

JoL.  Oh,  is  it !  Then  what  is  the  matter  with 
John? 

Mrs.  S.  Oh,  he's  a  little  subject  to  nervous  at- 
tacks.   But  he's  a  very  faithful  servant. 

JoL.  Is  he?  It  quite  slipped  my  memory  that 
I  had  engaged  John.  I  don't  like  the  looks  of  John. 
I  didn't  like  the  look  of  him  when  I  engaged  him. 

John,  (advances  fiercely  with  clenched  fists) 
What  the— 

JoL.    John,  take  a  month,  take  a  month! 


IN  CNANCERY.  43 

(John  goes  up  attempting  to  restrain  his  rage.) 

JoL.  Well,  Mellina,  dear.  I  suppose  they'll  drag 
me  away  to  prison.  But  it  can't  be  for  more  than 
a  fortnight,  my  previous  high  character  will  do 
wonders  for  me.  (anxiously)  From  what  you  know 
of  my  past,  you  would  consider  my  character  rather 
a  high  one,  wouldn't  you,  Mellina  ? 

Mrs.  S.     From  what  I  know  of  your  past,  yes. 

JoL.  Yes,  yes,  yes,  it  will  be  a  distressing  scene 
when  you  leave  me  at  the  prison  gates,  but  you  must 
bear  up  for  the  sake  of  the  little  ones. 

(Mrs.  S.  starts  from  him  with  a  cry,  John  threat- 
ening JoLiFFE  ajid  HiNXMAN  in  fits  of  laughter 
on  the  sofa) 

HiNX.     Ha!  ha!  ha! 

Mrs.  S.     Oh — there  are  no  little  ones. 

JoL.     'No,  no,  my  mistake,  little  one,  perhaps? 

HiNX.     Ha!  ha!" ha! 

Mrs.  S.     There  is  no  little  one. 

JoL.  I  didn't  know — didn't  know,  time  does  fly. 
(goes  up  stage  nervously,  John  comes  down  to  Mrs. 
Smith.) 

John,     (aside)     I  shall  choke  him  in  a  minute. 

JoL.  (looking  round)  Well,  I  supoose  there's 
nothing  left  for  us  but  to  start  back  to  Town  with- 
out delay.     Are  you  ready,  Mellina,  are  you  ready? 

HiNX.  (rising)  Stop,  stop,  stop,  Mr.  Joliffe,  not 
so  fast  if  you  please.  There's  another  little  matter 
agin  you. 

JoL.     Another  little  matter? 

HiNX.  Yes,  the  charge  of  conspiring  to  commit 
a  bigamous  marriage,  with  the  daughter  of  the  pro- 
prietor of  this  hotel.  Your  wife  there,  Mellina  Jol- 
iffe, being  alive. 

JoL.     Oh!     (goes  up  and  sits  l.  of  tahle.) 

Mrs.  S.     (with  assumed  indignation)     Oh ! 

HiNX,    I  suppose  you  don't  know  all  your  bus- 


44  IN  CHANCERY. 

band's  little  caperosities,  Mrs.  Joliffe.  (with  enjoy- 
ment) This  is  his  wedding  morning,  wedding  morn- 
ing number  two.  (looking  at  watch)  It's  almost 
time  to  set  off  to  the  church,  (pointing  to  tahle) 
Look  at  the  cake  and — (pointing  to  the  wedding 
favour  in  Joliffe^s  coat)  look  at  Mr.  Joliffe's  wed- 
din'  favour. 

(Joliffe  hastily  drags  the  favour  from  his  coat  and 
crams  it  into  his  pocket.) 

JoL.  It's  all  a  mistake,  it's  all  a  mistake.  I  can 
explain.  I  have  had  an  accident,  my  recollection  is 
impaired,  and  when  I  became  engaged  to  Miss  Mc- 
Cafferty,  I  had  entirely^  forgotten  the  circumstances 
of  my  marriage  to  this  lady. 

HiNX.  What?  (emphatically)  Tell  that  to  the 
Marines. 

JoL.    I  shall  be  happy  to  do  so. 

HiNX.  You'll  tell  it  to  the  nearest  local  magis- 
trate first,  for  I'm  going  to  lodge  an  information 
agin  you. 

JoL.     But  I  protest. 

HiNX.     Do  you?    Well,  you  are  green. 

JoL.  I  may  be,  for  all  I  know,  I  may  be  Green, 
or  Brown,  or  Jones,  or  Robinson. 

Mrs.  S.  (eagerly  to  Hinxman)  Sir,  is  there 
any  necessity  for  me  and  my  servants  to  remain  one 
moment  longer  in  Steepleton? 

HiNX.  Well,  I  must  prove  your  marriage,  ma'am, 
either  by  your  word  or  a  copy  of  your  marriage  certi- 
ficate. 

Mrs.  S.     My  marriage  certificate! 

HiNX.     Yes,  ma'am 

Mrs.  S.  (pointing  to  hand-hag  on  sofa)  Please 
to  pass  me  my  bag. 

HiNX.     Yes,  ma'am,  certainly. 

(HiNX.  picks  up  hag,  and  is  ahout  to  pass  it  to  Mrs. 
3mith,  when  Joliffe  snatches  it  from  him,) 


IN  CHANCERY.  45 

JoL.  ni  pass  my  wife's  bag.  (looJcing  at  hag — 
a  pretty  little  satchel)  Doubtless  a  little  present 
from  me. 

(John  comes  in  between  Mrs.  Smith  and  Joliffe 
and  snatches  the  hag  from  Joliffe.) 

John  {handing  hag  to  Mrs.  Smith)  FU  pass 
the  bag! 

JoL.  (to  John — turning  him  round)  Vve  given 
you  your  month,  I've  given  you  your  month. 

(Joliffe  and  John  go  up  stage,  one  on  each  side 
of  the  tahle,  gesticulating  and  talking  violently.) 

Mrs.  S.  {takes  certificate  out  of  hag  and  handing 
in  to  HiNXMAN  quickly)  There  you  are;  now  may 
I  go? 

HiNX.     Certainly,  ma'am,   {returns  certificate) 
Mrs.  S.     Come,  John,  we  will  return  to  the  sta- 
tion at  once. 

(John  comes  r.  c,  Joliffe  l.  c.) 

JoL.  Mellina,  you're  a  heartless  creature !  After 
the  risk  I've  run  in  marrying  you.  Is  this  loving, 
honouring  and  obeying  ?     You  ought  to  cleave  to  me. 

John  {doubling  his  fists)  I  should  like  to  cleave 
to  you ! 

JoL.  {to  John)  You've  got  your  month. 

Mrs.  S.  Cleave  to  you!  when  in  the  most  cold- 
blooded way,  you  forget  a  young  wife  and  ensnare 
the  affections  of  some  guileless  little  girl ! 

JoL.  Little  girl,  is  she?  You  should  just  see 
her! 

Mrs.  S.  {very  indignantly)  Monster !  I  trust  we 
shall  never  meet  again!  {aside  to  John)  You  are 
saved,  dear ! 

(John  and  Mrs.  S.  move  to  door  r.  as  Walker 
enters.) 

.Walker.     Luncheon  is  laid  in  the  parlour,  ma'am. 


46  IN  CHANCERY. 

Mrs.  S.  We  shall  not  require  it.  We  are  leaving 
the  hotel  at  once. 

Walk.     Good  gracious!    What  has  happened! 
John  (to  Walker)  Hush,  don't  say  anything. 
JoL.     Mellina,  Mellina. 
Mrs.  S.     (imperiously)    Infamous  man! 

(Mrs.    Smith   goes   out,   followed   hy   John   and 
Walker.) 

JoL.  Mellina,  leave  your  address,  leave  our  ad- 
dress,    {about  to  follow  them,  when  he  is  pulled  hack 

hy  HiNXMAN. — HiNX  R.  C. — JOLIFFE  L.  C.) 

HiNX.  Come,  come,  old  fellow,  don't  be  knocked 
over.  A  year  or  two  in  prison  won't  hurt  an  old 
dog  like  you.  (Joliffe  turns  on  him)  As  you  say, 
time  does  fly. 

JoL.  Knocked  over!  How  would  you  like  to  be 
torn  from  a  young  wife — the  one  woman  in  the  world 
who  shares  your  inmost  thoughts,  the  one  woman  in 
the  world  whose  heart  beats  to  yours,  the  one  woman 
in  the  world  who  knows  where  you  live? 

(HiNXMAN  helps  himself  to  a  glass  of  whiskey. — 
JoLiFFE  looking  out  of  window.) 

There  they  go,  my  wife  and  John,  {excitedly)  I 
don't  like  the  look  of  that  man  servant.  He's  help- 
ing my  wife  over  a  puddle.     I  don't  like  it ! 

HiNX.  {drinking)  Now,  then,  are  you  ready  to 
make  a  complimentary  call  on  the  nearest  J.  P.? 

JoL.  What  do  you  mean?  J.  P. — Jolly  Pub- 
lican ? 

HiNX.     No,  justice  of  the  peace. 

JoL.  No,  sir.  I'm  not  ready.  If  I  get  two 
years,  how  shall  I  know  that  John  leaves  at  the  end 
of  the  month? 

HiNX.  {growing  impatient)  Oh,  I  don't  know! 
Now  come  along  quietly. 

JoL.  Oh,  what  a  dreadful  scene  there  will  be 
downstairs  between  my  best  man  and  old  McCaf- 
lertj. 


IN  CHANCERY.  47 

HiNX.  Well,  say  we're  just  a-going  to  set  out  to 
the  church,  you  see — Fm  your  best  friend;  now  are 
you  ready? 

JoL.  {sulking  into  chair  L.  of  table)  Oh,  my 
head's  come  on  so  bad  again 

HiNx.  Has  it — ?  {looking  at  table,  sees  cham- 
pagne, takes  it  uv)  Here,  have  a  drop  of  this. 

JoL.     Don't,  Mr.  Hinxman;  think  of  McCafferty. 

HiNX.  {opening  bottle)  We  will  think  of  McCaf- 
ferty, we'll  drink  his  health.  {He  fills  two  glasses, 
gives  one  to  Joliffe  and  takes  the  other  himself.) 

HiNX.  {draining  his  glass  at  a  gulp)  Here's  a 
husband  to  Miss  McCafferty. 

JoL.  Poor  Patricia,  she  won't  think  at  all  highly 
of  me.     What  a  blow  !  what  a  blow ! 

HiNX.  {refilling  his  glass)  Well,  she  wouldn't 
have  liked  to  marry  a  married  man,  now  would  she  ? 
{draining  glass) 

JoL.  {sipping  his  wine)  I  don't  know.  Patricia 
is  a  large  minded  woman !  L  rge  minded  and  large 
hearted,  great  woman  altogether! 

HiNX.  {pouring  himself  out  another  glass)  Little 
too  dry,  this  wine — must  try  another,  {begins  open- 
ing another  bottle) 

JoL.  McCafferty  will  kill  those  best  men.  I  do 
wish  Patricia  could  have  seen  Mellina.  Mellina 
proves  what  perfect  taste  I've  got.  Patricia  ought 
to  esteem  it  a  compliment,  my  proposing  to  her  when 
I  possess  such  a  beautiful  girl  as  Mellina. 

HiNX.  {having  opened  the  bottle,  fills  his  glass 
and  drinks)  That's  better,  that's  sweeter,  {replen^ 
ishes  glass  ad  lib.) 

JoL.  {to  himself)  Titus  is  a  humbug.  I  didn't 
recognize  Mellina  at  all.  He  said  the  sight  of  a 
familiar  face,  or  sound  of  a  familiar  voice  would 
bring  my  memory  back  suddenly,  and  then 

HiNX.  {swaying  about  with  bottle  and  glass  in 
hand)  Look  after  yourself,  old  boy! 

JoL.  {aside)  That's  familiar  enough,  at  any  rate. 


48  IN  CHANCERY. 

HiNX.  (swaying  a  little,  with  fixed  looTc,  slowly 
and  to  himself)  They  may  say  what  they  like,  but 
there's  no  society  so  iostructive  or  so  entertaining  as 
the  criminal  classes,  {pointing  bottle  at  Joliffe) 

JoL.  {indignantly)  Criminal  classes!  I  believe 
he's  getting  intoxicated. 

(HiNX.  sinlcs  lack  into  chair  R.  of  table.) 

Getting — ^he's  got. 

HiNX.  {muttering  to  himself  in  a  dreamy 
drunken  manner)  I  wish  we  could  have  forty  winks 
before  we  start. 

JoL.  {excitedly)  If  I  could  only  give  him  the  slip 
and  make  my  escape.  {he  takes  decanter  and 
sniffs  it)  Whiskey,  Irish.  Have  another  drain,  Mr. 
Hinxman  ? 

(Joliffe  pours  champagne  and  whiskey  into  HiNX- 
man's  glass.) 

HiNX.  Thanks,  ol'  f'ler.  {drinks  and  coughs, 
smacking  his  lips)  Thash  better,  there's  more  body 
in  that. 

(Joliffe     refills    Hinxman's     glass.       Hinxman 

drinks  again.) 

JoL.  More  body^  more  head.  Drink  it  up,  Mr. 
Hinxman. 

(Hinxman  drinks  it  up,  rising  unsteadily.) 

HiNX.  I'm  going,  I'm  going,  I'm  not  going  to 
washte  my  time  any  longer.     Time'sh  money,  I'm 

going,   {falls  back  into  chair)  I'm  going {drops 

his  head  gradually  on  table)  going,  going, {falls 

fast  asleep) 

JoL.  Gone!  ISTow  for  it!  {looking  out  of  win- 
dow) There  they  are  still,  my  wife  and  John;  I'll 
soon  put  a  stop  to  that,  {goes  to  door  e.)  No,  I 
daren't  go  that  way.  My  best  man  and  McCafferty 
are  below.  I  have  it — my  bedroom  is  above  this, 
and  my  portmanteau  is  there  ready  packed  for  the 


IN  CHANCERY.  49 

honeymoon.  I'll  lower  it  out  of  the  window  and 
myself  after  it.  {proudly)  I  shall  return  to  Mellina 
with  everything  brand  new.  {feeling  in  his  pocket) 
Half  a  sovereign  given  me  by  MeCafferty  with  strict 
injunction  not  to  change  it.  What  a  position — 
£200  on  my  head,  and  nothing  in  my  pocket. 

{He  is  going  to  door  l.,  when  Patricia  enters,  fol- 
lowed hy  Miss  Buzzard.) 

Pat.  Oh,  Montague,  why  haven't  you  set  off  for 
the  church?  The  time's  come,  dear;  you'll  be  late 
for  me. 

JoL.  I  was  just  going  to  give  a  finishing  touch 
to  my  hair. 

{The  door  R.  opens,  and  McCafferty  enters,  foU 
loived  hy  Titus,  Gawge  and  Buzzard,  and  they 
are  all  carrying  their  hats  and  gloves.  Joliffe 
goes  down  R.) 

JoL.   {aside)   Surrounded,  surrounded. 
Mr.  G.  ) 

Titus.    >•  There  he  is.  Captain,  there  he  is. 
Mr.  B.  ) 

{They  all  form  up  in  front  of  where  Hinxman"  is 
sitting,  to  cover  him.  Hinxman  falls  under 
table.) 

McC.  What  d'ye  mean  by  skulking  about  here, 
when  it's  time  to  be  off? 

JoL.  I  was  just  thinking  about  being  off,  upon  my 
soul  I  was. 

(McCafferty  pointing  to  Pat.,  who  is  sitting  l.  c. 
with  Miss  Buzzard.) 

McC.  There's  a  dazzlin'  sight  for  any  man  on 
his  weddin'  mornin',  wid  the  colour  of  her  hair  just 
breaking  thro'  her  veil,  for  all  the  world  like  the 
sun  under  a  cloud. 


50  IN  CHANCERY. 

{The  men  turn  to  Pat.,  with  a  polite  murmur  of 
admiration,  while  Joliffe,  unperceived,  goes  hast- 
ily  to  door  R.,  locks  it  and  slips  the  hey  in  his 
pocJcet.) 

Mr.  G.    )  Charming  picture! 

Titus.     >(loolcing  at  Pat.)      Beautiful! 

Mr.  B.    )  Quite  a  vision! 

JoL.  (aside)  Locked,  they  can't  follow  me. 

McC.  (turning  to  Jol.)  And  what  have  you  got 
to  say  to  her? 

Jol.  (down  r.)  Oh,  I'm  not  worthy  of  your  daugh- 
ter.    She's  too  beautiful,  too  good 

McC.  Very  well,  then.  Get  your  hat  and  gloves 
and  come  with  me. 

Jol.  My  hat  and  gloves — they're  upstairs,  (cross- 
ing rapidly  to  L.)  I'll  fetch  'em!  I'll  fetch  'em! 
I'll  fetch 'em!  (aside)  Free!     Free! 

(He  goes  out  door  l.  ;  he  closes  the  door  sharply, 
and  is  heard  to  turn  the  hey  in  the  loch  outside.) 

McC.  What's  that!  What  the  devil  are  you 
lockin'  the  door  for?  (going  to  it  and  rattling  the 
handle)  Open  it,  d'ye  hear  me! 

Titus,  (going  to  door  R.,  tries  it)  Why,  this  is 
locked,  too. 

McC.  (crossing  to  L.  c.)  That  locked,  too;  then 
there's  some  treason  going  on. 

HiNX.  (who  is  under  the  talle,  is  heard  mutter- 
ing) What's  this?    Where  am  I? 

McC.  (suddenly)  Hark! 

HiNX.  W — Where's  Joliffe,  £200  reward !  Where's 
Joliffe? 

(McCafferty  lifts  up  the  table-cloth;  Hinxman" 
is  discovered.) 

McC.     Mr.  Simpson! 

HiNX.  (rises  unsteadily)  No,  no,  my  name's  Hinx- 
man.  I'm  a  detective.  I'm  after  Montague  Joliffe, 
he's  wanted. 


IN  CHANCERY.  61 

The  Men.     Wanted? 

Pat.  Wanted — I  should  think  he  was;  I  want 
him. 

HiNX.  (trying  to  collect  Jiis  thoughts)  On  two 
charges.     Running  away  with  a  ward  in  chancery. 

The  Men.     What? 

HiNX.  Second — conspiring  to  commit  a  bigamous 
marriage  with  (sees  Pat.)  this  lady,  his  wife  being 
alive. 

All.     Oh ! 

HiNX.     He's  given  me  the  slip — where  is  he? 

(HiNXMAN  makes  a  rush  down  R.,  is  stopped  hy 
Titus.) 

McC.  We  can't  get  out;  we're  on  the  first  floor, 
and  he's  locked  us  in. 

(A  lenoch  is  heard  outside.) 

All.     Hark ! 

JoL.  (outside)  Gentlemen,  gentlemen,  can  you 
hear  me    ? 

(There  is  a  cry  of  rage  from  everybody .  Pat.  and 
Miss  Buzzard  cross  quickly  to  r.  ;  all  the  charac- 
ters form  an  oblique  line  from  R.  to  door  L.,  he- 
g  timing  with  Miss  Buzzard  down  right,  next 
Titus,  Pat.,  Gawge,  Buzzard,  Hinxman  finish' 
ing  up  with  McCafferty.) 

JoL.  Gentlemen,  I  am  sorry  that  some  unex- 
pected complications  in  my  domestic  arrangements 
will  prevent  my  fulfilling  my  contract  with  Miss 
McCafferty. 

Pat.     Oh! 

McC.     Scorpion ! 

The  Men.     (A  cry  of  rage,) 

JoL.  I  am  terminating  my  connection  with  the 
town  of  Steepleton,  taking  with  me  my  marriage 
outfit,  for  which  I  will  repay  the  Captain  at  the 
earliest  opportunity. 


62  IN  CHANCERY. 

McC.  Oh,  oh!  the  scorpion!  The  trousseau  I 
gave  him. 

All.     Be  calm,  Captain,  be  calm. 

JoL.  Captain  McCafferty,  be  calm.  I  am  now 
on  my  way  to  catch  a  train,  but  I  will  hand  the  keys 
of  this  room  to  the  station  master  before  I  start ;  he 
will  release  you.  Patricia,  farewell.  Captain  Mc- 
Cafferty and  gentlemen,  farewell. 

(Music.  The  line  of  characters  hreaJcs  up.  McC. 
throws  up  his  arms.  Hinxman  goes  to  door  L. 
and  tries  to  open  it.) 

McC.  The  villian!  The  villian!  Fll  be  the 
end  of  him. 

Pat.  (rushing  to  McCafferty)  The  shock  will 
kill  my  pa. 

£B^-}Beca,.! 

McC.  The  scoundrel  can't  get  out  of  this  side 
of  the  house.    We'll  break  the  door  down.    Come  on ! 

Titus.     Captain  McCafferty,  think  of  the  bullet. 

McC.  Bullet  be  damned,  it's  good  for  me.  Come 
on! 

Pat.  (falling  hach  r.  c.)  Oh,  pa,  look! 

(They  all  turn.  Outside  the  window,  a  knotted  sheet 
with  large  new  portmanteau  attached,  is  seen  to 
descend.) 

McC.     Begorra!     The  trousseau  I  gave  him. 

(The  portmanteau  disappears;  then  Joliffe  is  seen 
lowering  himself.  Patricia  sinks  on  her  Tcnees 
in  the  centre  of  the  stage,  McCafferty,  Gawge 
and  Buzzard,  and  Hinxman  with  cries  of  execra- 
tion.   The  Music  swells  as  the 

cuktain  falls. 


IN  CHANCERY.  53 

ACT    III. 

HOME,    SWEET    HOME. 

Scene: — Room  comfortably  furnished  in  lodging 
house  fashion,  c.  at  hack  a  fireplace,  at  hack  l. 
a  door.  Down  stage  l.  a  window  practicable.  Down 
stage  R.  a  door.  r.  c.  a  couch,  behind  couch  a 
small  table,  on  which  stands  a  terra  cotta  bust; 
up  stage  R.,  set  across  the  corner  of  the  room,  a 
piano  and  music  stool  {piano  open)  behind  piano 
out  of  sight,  a  stool  or  chair  {for  business).  Be- 
fore fireplace  an  arm-chair  On  mantel-piece 
framed  photograph  of  actor  playing  Joliffe.  A 
quantity  of  letters  stuck  in  chimney  glass.  Down 
stage  l,  c.  table  and  two  chairs.  Good  lamp 
lighted.  Landscape  picture  hung  on  wall  R.,  other 
pictures,  furniture,  ornaments,  etc.,  etc.,  to  fill 
spaces.  Night-time,  blue  gas  row  {or  lime)  out' 
side  window. 

Music  at  rise  of  curtain — ''Home,  Sweet  Home/' 
Kittles^  a  servant-girl,  is  discovered  placing  a 
lighted  lamp  on  table  l.  c. 

Kit.  Where's  missus,  I  wonder ;  in  her  own  room 
a-mournin'  over  the  dear  departed,  I  s'pose.  {looking 
towards  window)  Hallo !  that  won't  do,  our  bilFs  got 
topsy  turvey.  {goes  to  window  and  turns  bill)  Apart- 
ments for  ladies  and  gentlemen  upside  down — that 
ain't  the  way  to  fill  our  establishment. 

(Mrs.  Jackson"  enters  r.;  she  is  a  comely  woman 
in  widow's  weeds.) 

Mrs.  J.     What  are  you  doing.  Kittles? 
Kit.     {showing  bill)   Apartments  for  ladies  and 
gentlemen  upside  down. 
Mrs.  J.    What? 
Kit.    Our  bilFs  got  topsy  turvey. 


54  IN  CHANCERY. 

Mrs.  J.  Oh!  (Kit  re-adjusts  hill.)  It  doesn'^ 
matter  much;  I  shall  never  let  my  rooms  in  this 
dead  and  alive  place. 

Kit.  (coming  l.  c.)  Excuse  me,  m'um,  but  I  don't 
think  as  how  you  goes  h'out  and  about  enough.  You 
ain't  been  to  Eosherville  Gardens  not  once  since 
h'lve  been  with  you.  Gravesend  is  the  gayest  place 
I've  ever  lived  in! 

Mrs.  J.     Have  you  ever  been  out  of  it.  Kittles  ? 

Kit.  (proudly)  No,  mum,  never;  I  was  born  and 
hedicated  here. 

Mrs.  J.  It  will  drive  me  mad.  (comes  to  couch 
and  sits)  You  know,  Kittles,  I  lost  my  husband  some 
two  months  ago. 

Kit.     Yes,  m'um,  I've  'card  you  mention  it. 

Mrs.  J.  My  income  being  very  small,  I  was 
obliged  to  look  round  for  some  means  to  add  to  it; 
this  house  was  advertised  as  being  splendidly  adapted 
for  the  letting  of  apartments,  and  the  landlord  de- 
scribed it  as  Brighton-on-Thames.  I  brought  my 
furniture  from  London  three  weeks  ago,  and  here  I 
am.  The  house  is  splendidly  adapted  for  the  letting 
of  apartments,  which  nobody  seems  to  take.  I  sup- 
pose the  best  visitors  sleep  in  the  open  air. 

Kit.  Oh,  do  cheer  up,  m'um;  when  the  people 
do  come,  they'll  come  in  shoals,  like  the  shrimps, 
and  then  you'll  be  able  to  catch  'em  alive  and  boil 
'em. 

Mrs.  J.     Go  away.  Kittles,  you're  vulgar. 

Kit.  Yes,  m'um.  (going  to  door  l.  and  turning) 
Oh,  m'um,  excuse  me  m'um,  but  I  only  wish  as  's)W 
I  was  a  widder! 

Mrs.  J.     Good  gracious  !  why  ? 

Kit.  'Cos  it  seems  so  much  more  easy  to  get  a^ 
husband  when  you're  a  widow. 

(Mrs.  Jackson  rises.     Kit.  coming  down  to 

window.) 

Kit.     Hark,   m'um!     There!     Blessed   if  there 


IN  CHANCERY.  55 

ain't  a  fly  with  some  luggage  in  at  our  door,  three 
people  inside  and  one  out. 

Mrs.  J.     They  can't  be  coming  to  this  house. 

Kit.  {opening  windows)  Oh,  can't  they,  tho'? 
There's  a  gentleman  getting  off  the  box. 

Mrs.  J.  {in  a  hurry)  Show  them  in  here  while  I 
run  and  make  myself  neat.     Be  quick.  Kittles. 

Kit.  {excitedly)  Yes,  m'um,  I  told  you  so,  m'um, 
I  told  you  so;  the  shrimps  is  come,  the  shrimps  is 
come,     {bustles  off  door  l.) 

Mrs.  J.  {looking  in  chimney  glass)  I  suppose 
they'll  only  ask  the  rent  and  drive  away.  But  I 
think  I'd  better  go  and  curl  my  fringe  in  case ! 

(Mrs.  Jackson  runs  out  door  r.,  a  murmur  of  female 
voices  is  heard  off  L.,  then  Kittles  enters.) 

Kit.  This  way,  m'um,  this  way,  m'um,  if  you 
please,     {aside)     Oh,  crikey,  what  swells! 

(Kittles  r.  of  door  comes  down  l.  Mrs.  Smith 
enters,  followed  hy  Walker  and  John.  Walker 
carries  her  mistresses  plush  hag,  John  has  the 
wraps  and  a  hag  or  two.) 

Mrs.  S.     Oh,  how  weary  I  am. 

Walk.     Do  sit  down,  ma'am,  there,  there's  a  dear. 

(Walker   places   Mrs.    Smith   upon   couch   r.    c. 
then  takes  smelling  salts  from  hag  and  holds  them 
to  her  nose.) 

Mrs.  S.  Thank  you.  Walker,  {looking  round) 
This  is  melancholy  enough,  {aside  to  Walker)  but 
it's  better  than  another  dreadful  hotel,  {she  leans 
hack  wearily  and  closes  her  eyes) 

John  {to  Kittles)  Haw,  you  let  apartments 
here,  don't  you?  {crossing  his  leg  and  leaning  on 
tahle) 

Kit.  (l.  looking  him  up  and  down  and  imitating 
him)    Yaas.     {aside)  Crikey,  here's  a  tip  top  valet  I 


66  IN  CHANCERY. 

JoHisr  {looTcing  round)  This  is  the  sitting  room, 
I  suppose? 

Kit.  Sitting  room  for  the  master  and  the  missus, 
standing  room  for  the  domestics. 

John  {looTcing  at  her  with  disgust)  What  other 
rooms  are  there? 

Kit.     Well,  I  lives  in  the  kitchen. 

John.     I  don't  want  to  know  where. 

Kit.  Thought  you  might  like  to  pay  me  a  visit, 
Tummas. 

John.     Girl ! 

Walk,  (to  Kittles)  You  mustn't  speak  to  Mr. — 
to  John  in  that  way. 

Kit.  Oh,  I  begs  parding,  I'm  sure;  I  wasn't 
aware  as  'ow  you  monopolized  of  him;  he  won't 
break,  I  s'pose? 

(She  digs  John  in  the  ribs.  Walker  and  John 
move  away  to  K.  c.  indignantly  as  Joliefe  is  heard 
without.) 

Jol.  (outside  L.)  John!  John! 

Kit.  (aside  down  l.)  Here's  the  master,  I  s'pect. 

(Joliffe  enters;  he  wears  white  hat  and  one  hrown 
and  one  white  hid  glove.) 

Jol.  Mellina,  I  am  ignored.  (51^5  l.  c.)  I  don't 
know  whether  it's  with  your  sanction  and  approval, 
but  I'm  ignored! 

John,  (aside  to  Mellina)  Mellina,  when  are  we 
to  shake  off  this  lunatic  ? 

Mrs.  S.  (to  John)  Have  patience,  Montague,  he's 
our  safeguard.  If  the  detective  is  on  our  track 
again,  we  still  have  the  wrong  man  ready  for  him 
instead  of  the  right  one. 

(Joliffe  taTces  off  his  hat  and  is  ahout  to  put  it  on 
the  table  when  he  catches  sight  of  Kittles^  who 
is  laughing  and  covering  her  mouth  with  her 
apron.) 


IN  CHANCERY.  57 

JoL.  {drawing  his  hat  hach  and  loohing  at  Kit- 
tles)  What's  the  matter?     What's  the  matter? 

(Kittles  pulls  herself  tog  ether  ^  then  laughs  again.) 

JoL.  The  attendance  in  these  apartments  is  most 
unsatisfactory,  (holding  out  his  hat  to  John)  John! 
{no  notice  is  taken)  John,  my  hat. 

(John  loohs  at  him  savagely,  then  turns  away 
again.) 

JoL.  John,  you  can  take — oh,  {checJcing  him- 
self) Oh,  yes,  I  did  give  you  your  month  this  morn- 
ing. {He  puts  his  hat  under  the  chair,  then  sneezes.) 
Mellina,  I  don't  wish  you  to  reproach  yourself, 
but  my  cold  arises  from  your  having  requested  me  to 
ride  on  the  box  seat,  {taking  his  gloves  off,  sees  that 
they  are  odd)  This  comes  of  leaving  one's  hotel  in  a 
hurry. 

(Kittles  goes  to  door  l.) 

Mrs.  S.     What  is  the  name  of  the  girl  here? 

Kit.  {crossing  to  c.)  Kittles,  m'um! 

Mrs.  S.  Kittles,  tell  your  mistress  I  am  waiting 
to  see  the  apartments. 

Kit.  Yes.  m'um,  I  fancy  missus  is  a-puffin'  of 
her  face. 

(Kittles  crosses  to  door  r.,  then  looJcs  round  and 
laughs  at  Joliffe  loudly.) 

JoL.     Here,  hi,  you,  what's  your  name.  Kittles  ? 
Kit.     Yes,  sir? 

JoL.     My  compliments  to  your  mistress,   and  I 
request  that  she  gives  you  your  month. 
Kit.    Oh,  go  along,     {bounces  off  door  R.) 

(Joliffe  rises  and  loohs  about  the  room   enquir- 
ingly.) 

JoL.  {glancing  out  of  window)  John,  it  has  doubt- 
less escaped  your  memory  that  my  portmanteau,  my 


58  IN  CHANCERY. 

new  portmanteau,  still  remains  on  the  top  of  the 
cab  in  the  night  air. 

John,  (advancing)  Well ! 

JoL.     Well,  fetch  it. 

John,  (biting  his  lips)  I  shall  not. 

Mrs.  S.   (rising)  John! 

JoL.     You  would  see  me  do  that  myself? 

John.     Y^es. 

JoL.  You  would  see  me  lug  that  weighty  port- 
manteau off  that  cab,  up  those  steps,  into  this  house  ? 

John,   (fiercely)  Y^es,  I  would! 

JoL.  (mildly)  If  you  watch  thro'  that  window 
you  will  do  so. 

(He  goes  out  door  l.    John  sits  l.  c.  with  a  sigh  of 
disgust.) 

Mrs.  S.  Walker,  look  the  other  way  and  don't 
listen,  (runs  over  to  John^  kneels  at  his  feet,  and 
Icisses  him)  My  poor  vexed  Montague,  (kissing  him. 
Walker  sits  up  stage  in  arm-chair.) 

Wal.  Now  they're  going  to  spoon.  Spoon — they 
don't  spoon,  they  positively  ladle. 

John.  Mellina,  this  fellow  is  intolerable,  (kicks 
against  Joliffe's  hat)  What's  this?  Why,  if  it 
isn't  that  infernal  fellow's  hat;  out  it  goes. 

(Picks  it  up  hetween  his   thumb   and  fingers  and 
flings  it  out  of  the  open  window.) 

I  say  that  fellow  is  intolerable !  Ever  since  he 
jumped  wildly  into  our  carriage  just  as  the  train 
was  leaving  Steepleton,  we  have  never  been  alone  for 
one  moment.  What  plan  have  you  got  in  your  little 
head  now?     Wliy  have  we  come  here? 

Mrs.  S.  Whv,  listen,  you  foolish  fellow.  Y^ou 
know  I  have  an  uncle  at  Colombo? 

John.     Well,  that  isn't  here. 

Mrs.  S.  No,  but  the  P.  and  0.  boat,  the  "  Siam," 
starts  from  this  place  for  Colombo  on  Wednesday 


IN  CHANCERY.  59 

at  noon,  and  I  propose  that  we  take  refuge  with  my 
uncle  till  our  chancery  affair  has  blown  over. 

John.  Colombo,  that's  a  long  way  from  the 
Club,  Mellina. 

Mrs.  S.     Yes,  and  from  Holloway,  too.   (rising) 

John,  (rising)  But  I  don't  see  why  we  should 
be  bothered  with  this  mendacious  scoundrel. 

Mrs.  S.  I've  told  you.  The  man  is  under  the 
strange  hallucination  that  he  is  Mr.  Montague  Jol- 
liffe  and  my  husband. 

John.     Confound  him. 

Mrs.  S.  On  Wednesday  we  give  him  the  slip  and 
start  for  Colombo,  but  if  in  the  meantime  Mr.  Hinx- 
man  follows  us  here,  this  unfortunate  person  is 
locked  up,  and  you  escape. 

John.     Yes,  I  see  that. 

Mrs.  S.  I'm  very  sorry  for  him,  but  we're  two 
and  he's  only  one,  and  the  minority  must  always 
suffer  for  the  majority.     Hush ! 

( JoLiFFE  enters  door  l.,  struggling  under  the  weight 
of  his  portmanteau,  and  ivith  his  white  hat  much 
crushed  on  his  head.  Walker  rises.  Joliffe 
deposits  portmanteau  up  stage  l.  c.^  then  comes 
down  and  looks  under  the  chair  l.  c.) 

JoL.  (talcing  off  his  hat)  It  was  my  hat  I  found 
on  the  railings.  (He  replaces  hat  under  chair,  and 
sits  as  Kittles  enters  door  R.) 

Kit.  Missus  is  tidy,  m'um.  Will  you  please  to 
step  this  way? 

Mrs.  S.     Thank  you.     John,  bring  the  luggage. 

(Kittles  goes  out,  followed  by  Mrs.  Smith  and 
Walker.  Walker,  as  she  goes  out,  looks  ut 
Joliffe  and  hursts  into  laughter.) 

Jol.     Hi !  you !  Thingamy !  what's  your  name  ? 

Walk.     Walker ! 

Jol.     No  repartee,  if  you  please. 

Walk,    Luct/  Adelaide  Walker, 


60  IN  CHANCERY. 

JoL.  Oh,  I  beg  pardon,  then  Lucy  Adelaide 
Walker  from  to-night  (looJcing  at  watch)  at  9.30, 
you  will  take  a  month. 

Walk.     Ho  ! 

(She  flounces  out;  John  has  gathered  up  the  wraps, 
which  he  has  previously  deposited  hy  the  piano, 
and  is  going  out  whistling.) 

JoL.  (rising)  John!  Unstrap  my  portmanteau 
and  take  out  my  slippers.    John ! 

(John  pauses  at  door,  turning  fiercely.) 

John,  you  can  leave  my  portmanteau  alone;  don't 
touch  it. 

(John  goes  out  contemptuously.) 

JoL.  (triumphantly)  That's  the  first  time  I  ever 
knew  that  fellow  obey  my  instructions. 

(Soft  music  as  in  first  act.     JoL.  holes  round.) 

I  don't  know  what  Mellina's  arrangements  are,  but 
I  think  I  shall  be  very  comfortable.  I'm  beginning 
to  get  a  little  tired  of  Mellina's  airs  and  graces.  I 
wish  I  could  remember  what  induced  me  to  marry 
such  a  disagreeable  girl  as  Mellina.  (sits  on  couch 
K.  c.)    Oh,  the  events  of  this  day  no  diary  that  was 

ever  kept  has  a  page  large  enough  to  chron (His 

eye  rests  on  the  little  bust  on  table  R.  c. ;  he  starts, 
falters  and  moves  uneasily  and  takes  bust  in  his 
hand.)  I  knovr  that  bust.  I've  seen  that  bust  before, 
often  and  often — before  I  forgot  how  to  remember. 

Titus  said  that  all  of  a  sudden (He  replaces  the 

bust  quickly  and  edges  atuay  from  it  L.  c.)  My 
head's  come  on  so  bad  again.  That  bust  has  started 
it.  Beastly  bust.  (He  sits  l.  c.)  What  I  was  re- 
flecting upon  was,  that  it  would  take  a  very  large 

diary  to — to (His  gaze  becomes  rivetted  on  the 

lamp  on  table  L.  c. ;  he  moves  uneasily.)  I've  seen 
that  lamp  before;  the  pattern  on  that  lamp  is  quite 
familiar.     (He  starts  up  and  edges  away  to  c,  he 


IN  CHANCERY.  61 

wipes  his  forehead  nervously.)  Titus  never  said  I 
should  have  these  sensations !  This  isn't  the  sight  of 
somebody's  ugly  face,  or  the  melody  of  a  miserable 

comic  song,  or  the — or (catches  sight  of   little 

landscape  on  wall  R.)  I've  seen  that  picture  before! 
I  painted  that  picture  when  I  was  a  little  boy  at  Dr. 
Brown's  school  in  Chelsea.  (He  goes  round  the  room 
quickly  identifying  the  various  objects.)  I  know 
that — and  that — and  that;  I  (he  sees  a  framed  photo 
upon  the  mantel-piece)  I  know  that  man.  (snatching 
the  photo)  I've  seen  that  man  before.  This  is  the 
ugly  face  Dr.  Titus  spoke  about.  (Runs  down  L.  c. 
to  get  the  light  of  the  lamp.)  No,  it  isn't,  it's  my 
portrait.  What's  the  meaning  of  this  ?  What  is  my 
portrait  doing  here?  (He  is  at  the  mantel-piece 
again;  he  sees  the  letters  stuclc  in  the  chimney  glass, 
he  snatches  some  of  them  down,  and  stares  at  them 
wildly,  reading  the  addresses.)  Mr.  Jackson!  Mr. 
Marmaduke  Jackson !  Marmaduke  Jackson,  Esq. ! 
Jackson,  Jackson,  that's  my  name — my  name's  Jack- 
son, these  letters  are  for  me.  (Opens  letters  vio- 
lently, throwing  them  aside,  as  he  sees  their  con- 
tents.) Income  Tax — Titus  was  right,  Titus  was 
right.  Boot-maker — tailor,  my  tailor's  bill.  (He 
hisses  the  hill  wildly  as  Mrs.  Jackson  is  heard  with- 
out.) 

Mrs.  J.  (outside)  I'm  sure  you'll  be  pleased,  sure 
you'll  be  pleased. 

JoL.  (starting  and  listening)  1  know  that  voice, 
I  know  that  voice. 

(Mrs.  Jacksok"  enters  k.) 

JoL.    That's  my  wife ! 

Mrs.  J.  (with  a  scream)  Marmaduke!  Come 
back! 

JoL.     Emily ! 
Mrs.  J.     Marmy! 

(They  rush  into  each  other's  arms.    Music  ceases.) 

Mrs.  J.  Oh,  Marmaduke,  where  have  you  been? 
I  thought  I  was  a  widow,     (wiping  her  eyes.) 


62  IN  CHANCERY. 

JoL.  And  I  thouglit  I  was — well,  I  don't  know 
what  I  thought  I  was.  But  I'll  tell  you  all  about 
myself  in  a  minute,  (rapidly)  So  you've  moved  from 
Brixton,  Emily ! 

Mrs.  J.  (delighted)  Yes,  dear;  your  employers 
were  very  good  to  me. 

JoL.  My  employers,  Grigs  and  Barber,  candle 
makers,  I'm  their  traveller,  bless  'em.  (with  a  start) 
Emily!  Emily!  how's  little  Freddy? 

Mrs.  J.  Beautiful !  he's  in  hed.  Marmaduke, 
how  have  you  got  on  for  undervests? 

JoL.  Lovely,  don't  wear  ^em.  How's  Aunt  Ma- 
tilda? 

Mrs.  J.     Glorious. 

JoL.     Oh,  Emily,  Emily! 

Mrs.  J.     Oh,  Marmy! 

(They  sit  together  on  couch  R.  c,  he  leans  his  head 
on  her  shoulder.) 

JoL.     Oh,  I'm  so  glad  to  get  home. 

Mrs.  J.  (drying  her  eyes  and  putting  her  hand- 
leer  chief  away)  And  now,  Marmaduke,  I  shall  be 
obliged  to  you,  if  you  will  give  me  some  account  of 
your  proceedings. 

JoL.  (clearing  his  throat)  Hem !  Certainly,  my 
dear. 

Mrs.  J.  I  am  delighted  to  see  my  husband  again, 
of  course,  if  that  husband  is  an  honourable,  decent, 
respectable  person.  You  remember  what  I  am,  Mar- 
maduke, an  affectionate  but  jealous,  determined 
woman.  I'm  not  to  be  trifled  with,  (clenching  her 
fists)  and  if  I  find  that  you've  been  up  to  any — ^but 
I — anticipate — anticipate. 

JoL.    (dampened)  Yes,  Emily,  you  do. 

Mrs.  J.  (firmly)  Now  you  left  me  about  two 
months  ago 

JoL.  To  go  to  Dilchester  with  my  samples,  (sud- 
denly) I  wonder  what  became  of  those  samples? 

Mrs.  J.     Never  mind  the  samples;  go  on. 


IN  CHANCERY.  63 

JoL.  At  Steepleton  Junction  there  was  a  railway 
collision;  I  was  the  only  victim. 

Mrs.  J.     Oh ! 

JoL.  I  was  carried  to  the  hotel  near  at  hand, 
and — (suddenly)   How's  Uncle  Eobert? 

Mrs.  J.     Never  mind;  Uncle  Eobert  will  keep. 

JoL.  (injured)  I  should  hope  so,  Emily;  I  say 
I  was  carried  to  the  hotel  near  at  hand,  and  I  sup- 
pose in  the  confusion  another  man's  overcoat  and 
another  man's  card-case  were  carried  with  me. 

Mrs.  J.     Well,  what  of  that  ? 

JoL.  I'm  telling  you,  Emily,  I'm  telling  you. 
Now  comes  the  strange  part  of  my  story;  when  I 
recovered,  I  recovered  everything  but  my  memory. 

Mrs.  J.     What? 

JoL.  I  had  not  the  slightest  recollection  of  the 
past,  you,  little  Freddy,  Grigs  and  Barber,  Aunt 
Matilda  and  Uncle  Eobert — everything  and  every- 
body had  gone  from  my  memory.  In  fact,  I  was 
compelled  to  embark  in  an  entirely  fresh  career. 

Mrs.  J.  (quicklv)  Just  as  if  you  were  a  single, 
unencumbered  man? 

JoL.    (leaning  hach,  heamingly)  Yes 

Mrs.  J.  (starting  up,  clenching  her  hands)  Mar- 
maduke ! 

JoL.    (rising)  My  dear! 

Mrs.  J.  (in  an  awful  voice)  Tell  that  to  the 
Marines ! 

JoL.    (aghast)    Emily! 

Mrs.  J.     Tell  that  to  the  Marines! 

JoL.  I  have  once  to-day  expressed  my  willingness 
to  do  so. 

Mrs.  J.   (following  him)  Bosh! 

JoL.  (horrified)  Emily,  you  don't  mean  to  say 
you  doubt  my 

Mrs.  J.     1  don't  believe  a  syllable  of  it. 

JoL.     But  I 

Mrs.  J.    (struck  with  a  sudden  thought)  Ah,  you 


64  IN  CHANCERY. 

didn't  know  when  you  came  here  that  I  was  the  pro- 
prietress of  this  house? 

JoL.     Of  course  I  didn't. 

Mrs.  J.  Of  course  you  didn't — Mr.  Jackson,  who 
is  the  lady  you  have  brought  to  reside  in  these  apart- 
ments ? 

JoL.  {wiping  the  perspiration  from  his  Irow) 
The  young  lady? 

Mrs.  J.     The  young  lady  with  the  two  servants. 

JoL.     Oh,  the  young  lady  with  the  two  servants. 

Mrs.  J.     Who  is  she? 

JoL.     Yes,  who  is  she? 

Mrs.  J.     What  is  she? 

JoL.  What  is  she  ?  Yes,  the  young  lady  with  the 
two  servants,  {attempting  to  change  the  subject) 
You're  not  keeping  anything  concerning  Uncle  Rob- 
ert from  me,  are  you,  Emily? 

Mrs.  J.  {stamping  her  foot)  How  does  that 
woman  come  here? 

JoL.  I'm  telling  you,  Emily,  I'm  telling  you; 
she  was  coming  in  as  I  was  coming  in.  We  were 
both  coming  in  together;  I  didn't  even  notice  the 
young  lady  was  a  woman — I  mean — er — I  don't 
know. 

Mrs.  J.  She  told  me  I  should  find  her  husband 
in  this  room.     Where  is  he? 

(JoLiFFE  staggers  against  the  chair.) 

JoL.     Her  husband! 

Mrs.  J.    Her  husband !    Where  is  he  ? 

(JOLIFFE  loolcs  round  uneasily.) 

JoL.  I  don't  see  him  for  the  moment,  don't  see 
him  for  the  moment. 

(Mrs.  Smith  is  heard  without  r.) 

Mrs.  S.    {outside)  Unpack  my  bag.  Walker. 
Mrs.  J.     Here  she  is,  I'll  ask  her. 


IN  CHANCERY.  65 

JoL.  (in  agony)  I  shouldn't — family  matters — 
family  matters ! 

Mrs.  Jacksox  goes  to  door  r.  and  throws  it  open. 
JoLiFFE  darts  to  L.  c.  for  his  hat.  Mrs.  Jackson 
returns  to  him  quicMy,  and  taJces  him  by  the 
collar.) 

Mrs.  J.     Where  are  you  going? 

JoL.  Can't  make  out  what  became  of  those  sam- 
ples, going  to  enquire ! 

Mrs.  J.  You'll  remain  here,  while  I  put  a  few 
questions  to  the  lady  who  happened  to  be  coming  in 
just  as  you  were  coming  in  here.  (She  drags  him 
up  stage,  and  pushes  him  behind  the  piano,  his 
head  appearing  over  top.) 

JoL.     Emily ! 

Mrs.  J.  If  you  attempt  to  stir  or  utter  a  sound, 
I'll 

JoL.     Let  me  explain. 

Mrs.  J.     Hush,  here  she  comes. 

(Mrs.  Jackson  pushes  the  arm-chair  against  the 
end  of  piano,  so  that  he  cannot  make  his  escape, 
and  comes  down  c.  as  Mrs.  Smith  enters  door  r.) 

Mrs.  S.  I've  no  doubt  I  shall  be  very  comfort- 
able thank  you,  Mrs.  Jackson,  (crosses  and  sits  R.  of 
L.  table) 

Mrs.  J.     I'm  sure  I  hope  so. 

Mrs.  S.  (sitting  l.  c.)  And  I  don't  think  I  need 
trouble  you  to  remain. 

Mrs.  J.  (sitting  r.  c.)  It's  no  trouble,  I  assure 
you. 

Mrs.  S.    (aside)  A  talkative  landlady. 

Mrs.  J.  You  will  excuse  me,  but  I  understood 
you    0  say  I  should  find  your  husband  in  this  room? 

Mrs.  S.  I  certainly  left  him  here  a  few  minutes 
ago;  he  must  have  gone  out. 

Mrs.  J.     Gone  out? 


66  IN  CHANCERY. 

(JoLiFFE  tries  to  attract  Mrs.  Jackson^'s  attention. 
Mrs.  J.  motions  him  to  he  quiet.) 

Mrs.  J.  You  seem  to  be  a  very  young  wife.  May 
I  ask  how  long  you've  been  married? 

Mrs.  S.  (impatiently)  Oh^  I  was  married  about 
two  months  ago. 

Mrs.  J.  (starts  up)  Oh,  Heavens!  The  very 
time  he  left  me ! 

(Mrs.  J.  waves  her  hand  to  him  to  hide  himself.) 

Mrs.  J.  (reseating  herself,  to  Mrs.  S.)  You  are 
quite  contented  and  happy^  I  hope? 

Mrs.  S.  Fairly  so !  When  you  see  my  husband 
you  will  guess  from  his  appearance  and  manners  that 
I  have  married  much  beneath  me. 

(JoLiFFE  rises  and  glares  fiercely  at  Mrs.  Smith.)' 

Mrs.  J.  Attracted  for  the  moment,  I  suppose,  by 
some  fascinating,  showy  young  gentleman? 

Mrs.  S.     Hardly  so. 

Mrs,  J.     Is  he  fair  or  dark? 

Mrs.  S.     Fair. 

Mrs.  J.  With  a  small  scar  on  the  lobe  of  the 
left  ear? 

Mrs.  S.     Really,  I  have  never  noticed. 

Mrs.  J.  Never  noticed  ?  Madame,  perhaps  I  can 
show  it  to  you. 

(JoLiFFE  in  desperation  is  attempting  to  get  over 
the  top  of  the  piatio;  in  doing  so  he  slips  and  falls 
on  the  Iceyhoard;  both  ladies  turn,  Mrs.  Smith 
rises;  Mrs.  Jackson  turns  to  Joliffe  and  points 
to  him.) 

Is  that  the  gentleman? 
Mrs.  S.     That  is  the  person. 

(Mrs.  Jackson  runs  to  Joliffe  aiid  brings  him 
doivn.) 

Mrs.  J.     Madame,  this  man  is  my  husband. 


IN  CHANCERY.  67 

Mrs.  S.  Your  husband,  no !  {to  Joliffe)  What 
is  your  name? 

JoL.     J — J — Jackson. 

Mrs.  S.  It  wasn't  Jackson  this  morning,  (crosses 
to  R.) 

JoL.  Mellina,  don't  rake  up  the  past ;  we're  both 
older  and  wiser  since  the  morning !     Time  does  fly ! 

(The  door  l.  opens  suddenly  and  Hinxman  enters.) 

HiNX.  {Ireatlilesshj)  Hallo!  {coming  down  L.) 
Caught  you  again,  have  I? 

Mrs.  J.     Who  are  you? 

JoL.     Hinxman ! 

Mrs.  S.     The  detective! 

HiNX.  A  nice  job  you  gave  me,  but  we  took  the 
next  train  tho',  all  of  us. 

JoL.    {recoils)    All  of  you!     How  many? 

HiNX.    {mopping  his  head)    Captain  McCafferty! 

JoL.    {faintly)    Oh ! 

HiNX.     Dr.  Titus! 

JoL.     Oh ! 

HiNX.     Miss  Patricia! 

JoL.     Patricia,  oh,  oh! 

Mrs.  J.     Patricia — who  is  she? 

HiNX.  Why,  the  lady  this  gentleman  was  a-going 
lo  marry  this  morning. 

Mrs.  J.  {to  Joliffe)  What,  another!  {to  Hinx- 
man)   Sir,  this  man  is  my  husband ! 

HiNX.  {with  a  chuckle)  Your  husband,  too!  Why, 
the  gentleman's  a  Mormon.  {Sits  at  table,  and  mahes 
notes  in  hook.) 

Mrs.  S.  Oh,  what  shall  I  do!  Poor  Montague 
will  be  taken,  {seizing  Jol.  on  his  R.)  He  is  my 
husband,  he  said  so  this  morning. 

Mrs.  J.  {pulling  Joliffe  from  the  other  side) 
He's  my  husband ;  he'd  say  anything. 

Mrs.  S.     He's  Mr.  Joliffe. 
.    Mrs.  J.     He's  Mr.  Jackson. 

Mrs.  S.     He's  Mr.  JoliSe. 


68  IN  CHANCERY. 

Mrs.  J.     He's  Mr.  Jackson 

{The  two  women  pull  Joliffe  from  one  side  to  the 
other.) 

JoL.  (appeaUngly)  Ladies,  ladies !  don't  divide 
on  this  question.    Mr.  Hinxman,  don't  let  'em. 

XMrs.  J.  goes  up  hack,  McCafferty  enters,  carrying 
a  large  pistol  case  l.) 

McC.    {coming  down  L.  c.)  Is  the  scoundrel  here? 
HiNX.     I  should  think  he  was! 

(McC.  deposits  pistol  case  on  table.) 

McC.     And  alive,  too,  and  alive. 

JoL.    {faintly)    Only  just!     Only  just! 

McC.  {going  down  to  Joliffe)  I've  brought  my 
pistols  wid  me,  the  same  as  I  fought  Colonel  Doherty 
with,  years  ago. 

JoL.     Oh ! 

Mrs.  S.  {aside)  I  must  warn  Montague — perhaps 
in  the  confusion  he  may  escape,  {she  slips  out 
door  R.) 

McC.  Now  you'll  cross  the  water  wid  me,  and 
satisfy  my  honour  wid  your  blood ! 

JoL.  Can't  get  away,  can't  get  away  just  now; 
my  busy  time. 

McC.  You  thought  to  do  for  me  with  the  shock 
of  your  departure,  but  ye  see  I'm  one  too  many 
for  ye. 

JoL.  Everybody's  one  too  many  for  me.  {goes 
up  to  portmanteau,  and  brings  it  down  to  McC.) 
Here,  take  back  the  wedding  trousseau;  it's  unworn. 
Take  back  the  pocket-money,  it's  unchanged,  {put- 
ting half  sovereign  on  portmanteau,  which  McC. 
picks  up  eagerly)     Your  bill  shall  be  settled. 

McC.  Yes,  when  I've  settled  you  or  you've  set- 
tled me.  If  you'll  not  fight  in  a  foreign  country, 
jou  shall  fight  me  here. 


IN  CHANCERY.  69 

JoL.  You've  got  one  bullet  in  you  already. 
Greedy!  greedy!  {goes  down  r.) 

Mrs.  J.  (coming  down  to  McC.'s  R.)  How  dare 
you  incite  my  husband  to  commit  a  breach  of  the 
peace  ? 

McC.     Your  husband? 

Mrs.  J.     My  husband! 

McC.  Begorra!  it's  not  bigamy,  but  trigonome- 
try, he's  been  attempting. 

Mrs.  J.  Whatever  his  faults,  he's  the  father  of 
little  Freddy,  sleeping  quietly  in  his  cot  at  this 
moment. 

McC.  And  am  I  not  the  father  of  my  little 
Patricia,  who  ought  to  be  sleeping  quietly  in  her 
cot  at  this  moment? 

(The  door  opens,  and  Patricia  enters  with  Titus. 
Pat.  is  still  in  her  Iridal  attire.  Joliffe  hides 
himself  behind  Mrs.  J.) 

McC.  (embracing  Pat.)  My  daughter!  There 
stands  the  viper! 

Pat.  (to  Joliffe)  Montague,  come  here,  (she 
crosses  c.  McC.  goes  doivn  l.  sits  hack  of  table, 
HiNX.  goes  up  back.) 

JoL.  Go  away!  Go  away!  Go  away!  Fm  en- 
gaged two  deep. 

(Mrs.  Smith  enters  door  r.,  followed  by  John.) 

Titus 
Pat.      Hi  NX. 
John    Mrs.  S.    Jol.    Mrs.  J.  McC. 

Mrs.  J.     You  shan't  touch  him,  he  belongs  to  me. 

Mrs.  S.     He  doesn't,  he  belongs  to  me. 

Jol.    (to  Mrs.  S.)  Mellina,  I  am  ashamed  of  you! 

Pat.  He  belongs  to  me.  Fve  written  on  his 
heart  the  story  of  my  young  love,  (goes  L.  of  table.) 
McC.  sits  back  of  table.) 

HiNX.  (coming  down  R.  of  Joliffe)  Come,  come, 


70  IN  CHANCERY. 

ladies,  there  seems  to  be  some  little  misunderstand- 
ing. 

JoL.     Think  so! 

HiNX.     Now,  my  good  fellow,  explain. 

JoL.  {madly)  I  have  explained,  and  I'll  do  so 
again  if  you'll  only  produce  those  wretched  marines ! 
My  name  is  Jackson.  I  am  the  devoted  husband  of 
this  devoted  lady. 

(Titus  comes  down  hetween  Hikxman  and 

JOLIFFE.) 

Titus,  (handing  two  letters  to  Hinx.)  Oh,  Mr. 
Hinxman,  these  two  letters  for  you  arrived  at  the 
hotel  as  we  left  it.  I  had  quite  forgotten  to  give 
them  to  you. 

(Hinx.  takes  letters  and  opens  them,  goes  e.) 

JoL.  (^0  Titus)  A  nice  thing  you've  done;  this 
comes  of  taking  your  prescription. 

Titus,  (to  Joliffe)  I  told  you  to  take  it  easy — / 
you've  done  so — it's  brought  your  home  to  you. 

JoL.     It  has  brought  it  home  to  me. 

(Titus  and  Joliffe  go  up.    Hinxman  taTces  photo 
out  of  first  letter.) 

Hinx.  Hallo !  What's  this?  Why,  it's  the  photo 
of  the  missing  Montague  Joliffe.  (to  Joliffe,  look- 
ing at  him)  Why,  it's  not  like  you  at  all.  (slapping 
his  forehead)  Where  have  I  seen  this  "phiz"  now? 

Mrs.  S.  (covering  her  hushand's  face  with  her 
hands)  It  isn't  like  John!    It  isn't  like  John! 

Hinx.  (turning)  Why,  that's  the  man.  Well, 
you  are  an  artful  couple. 

Mrs.  S.  (embracing  John)  Oh,  Montague,  Mon- 
tague ! 

(Hinxman  opens  second  letter.) 

JoL.  (to  John)  I'm  sorry  for  you,  John;  the 
judge  will  give  you  more  than  a  month. 


IN  CHANCERY.  71 

John.     And  you  more  than  a  year. 

JoL.     No  recrimination,  if  you  please. 

HiNX.  Well,  this  is  spoiling  a  good  job,  and  no 
mistake.  A  letter  from  Screw  and  Patchett,  Mr. 
Joliffe.  (reading)  "Admiral  Turvey  and  Major  Gam- 
boil,  having  received  a  most  excellent  account  of  the 
young  gentleman  who  has  married  their  ward,  Miss 
Mellina  Summers,  desire  to  withdraw  from  all  action 
in  the  matter,  and  are  bringing  every  influence  to 
bear  upon  the  Vice  Chancellor  to  induce  him  to 
inflict  a  merely  nominal  punishment;  the  affair  is 
therefore  to  be  hushed  up/' 

Mrs.  S.     Oh,  Montague! 

John.     Mellina,  then  everything  is  settled. 

HiNX.  Yes,  everything's  settled,  (ihroiving  away 
letter) 

JoL.      (joyously)     Everything's  settled. 

HiNX.  (crossing  to  Joliffe  and  saying  sharply) 
Oh,  no,  you're  not  settled  yet,  Mr.  Jackson.  You 
are  still  wanted  for  attempting  to  marry  Miss  Mc- 
Cafferty. 

JoL.  Can't  be;  that  lady  (pointing  to  Mrs.  S.) 
is  not  my  wife. 

HiNX.  Can  be.  {pointing  to  Mrs.  Jackson) 
That  lady  is  your  wife. 

JoL.  Oh,  how  intricate  the  law  is.  (retires  up 
stage) 

TlTUS.  (coming  down  L.)  Stop  a  minute;  the 
charge  against  this  gentleman  depends  a  little  on 
Miss  McCafferty.  (to  Pat.)  Patricia,  we've  known 
each  other  for  a  long  time  !     Will  you  marry  me  ? 

Pat.  (crosses  l.,  embracing  Titus)  Y^es,  any- 
body ! 

McC.    (coming  down)  What  about  my  consint? 

Titus.  My  dear  Captain,  think — you'll  always 
have  me  near  you  to  watch  for  the  bullet. 

McC.  Devil  take  the  bullet;  the  little  drop  of 
whiskey  I  drink  is  so  good  and  so  strong  I  believe 
the  bullet's  melted  long  ago. 


72  IN  CHANCERY. 

Titus.  Mr.  Hinxman,  this  lady  declines  to  prose- 
cute, and  I  can  assure  Mrs.  Jackson,  and  any  court 
of  law,  that  Mr.  Jackson's  strange  behaviour  was 
solely  caused  by  his  railway  accident  at  Steepleton 
Junction. 

JoL.     You  hear,  Emily,  do  you  believe  me  ? 

Mrs.  J.     I  suppose  I  must. 

JoL.  She  believes  me.  (to  Hinx.)  We  shall  not 
require  those  marines,   {embracing  Mrs.  Jackson) 

Mrs.  J.  Every  married  man  will  be  trying  to 
meet  with  a  railway  accident  now. 

JoL.  I  shan't!  I  shall  give  up  travelling  for 
Grigs  and  Barber,  and  if  I  take  a  drive  into  the 
country,  you  shall  accompany  me,  {to  Mellina)  I 
shall  never  forget  you,  Mellina.  {glaring  at  John) 
I  shant'  forget  you,  John,  {to  Hinx.)  I  shan't 
forget  you  in  a  hurry.  (Hinx.  laughs — to  McC.)  I 
wish  I  could  forget  you.  Oh !  by  the  way,  I  find  I 
was  a  commercial  traveller,  so  I  shall  require  2 J  per 
cent,  off  that  little  account. 

McC.    {with  disgust)  Bah. 

JoL.  {crossing  to  Pat.^  and  shaTcing  her  hand) 
I  shall  always  remember  my  kind  nurse,  Mrs.  Titus, 
that  is  to  be.  {to  Titus)  And,  Doctor,  your  bill 
shan't  slip  my  memory,  {looking  round)  In  fact, 
I'm  never  going  to  forget  anything  or  anybody  any 
more,  {to  audience)  And  last,  but  not  least,  I  shall 
never  forget  you! 

(John  and  Mrs.  Smith  on  sofa.) 

Hinx.  Jol.  Mrs.  J. 

McC. 
(table) 

Pat. 
Titus, 
[(husic  as  curtain  falls.) 


THE   END. 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below, 
or  on  the  date  to  which  renewed.  Renewals  only: 

Tel.  No.  642-3405 
Renewals  may  be  made  4  days  prior  to  date  due. 
Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


Due  end  of  ^'^'^  "■„^X;'"''''  M&R  2  3  71   0  8 
ill  dller 


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